I was having a rough day so my wife suggested we make bread dough together.
I kneaded that.
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What if they close the grocery stores and we actually have to hunt for our food?
I don’t even know where little Debbie lives.
Obama sure is waiting until the last minute to take everyone’s guns.
i was just sitting in my car and someone confused me for an uber and now i guess we’re driving across the country to stop his ex girlfriend’s wedding because he still loves her
911: What’s your emer-
She said don’t get her anything for Valentine’s Day!
911: And you didn’t?
No!
911: Placing you in protective custody.
whoa, you should really talk to someone about that!
— me, first day as a therapist
We lay under the maple tree, the evening sun casting a warm glow on our faces. Turning to me, she said-
“Please stop narrating everything.”
When they say shirts versus skins, they mean your own skin, not someone’s skin you brought from home.
I’m a good person!
You can tell because I’m announcing it loudly.
I’m out here scooping up street salt and repurposing it to margaritas as God intended.
Hilarious if literal: arms race
CW: what did you do to your hair today?
Me: It’s really unclear whether you think it’s good or you think I slept in a ditch.
Her: My God…yours is huge!
Me: It’s the biggest gift card Sizzler sells, baby.
*slow wink*
“I’m going to enter you now,” I announce to an elevator to the bewilderment of everyone who is already inside. A lady clutches her purse.
My dentist says it’s ok to open stuff with your teeth and that flossing is “the next big scam.” He’s at my house today for a surprise checkup/to ask if he can park a car in my backyard for a few weeks “until the heat dies down.” His rates are very affordable.
Starting a new job today.
I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.
9: How old was I when I was 3?
me *grabs hammer* *smashes college fund jar*
[arguing w girlfriend]
Her: I feel like we have communication problems.
Me: srsly? wow I text u like every day.
Turns out a spiral-cut ham will not walk down stairs like a Slinky.
HR: The delivery job is yours.
Me: Great!
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: Yes.
HR: Model?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?
“You gotta get me out of here, man.”
“Relax, Monty, I’m working on it.”
“You talk to my lawyer?”
“Yeah, the cops don’t have shit.”
“Okay, good. How’s Theresa?”
“Fine, her mom’s staying with her.”
“Thanks for all this, Frankie.”
“Hey, that’s what cousins are for.”
My special superpower is seeing patterns. Grandma thinks it’s a bullshit superpower, her knitting room is full of them
Cop searching my pockets: How does he have so many rocks!?
interviewer: why do you want to drive a bus
me: the big windshield wipers
Netflix subtitles be like “[speaks Japanese]” well okay baby but what they saying???
(Date)
“What’s wrong?”
Oh nothing I’m just a nervous hummer
“Aw how cute!!”
*perfectly hums the entire Jurassic Park theme at full volume*
Never underestimate the power of karate to save a marriage.
I don’t trust rain…
Nature giving away free water like a damn hippie, instead of charging $2.99 a bottle like God intended?
Something doesn’t add up and it feels like communism
Me (young, foolish): refrigerator may I have a few ice cubes?
Refrigerator (old, wise): one or one-thousand, there is no few
when I see a Facebook relationship status ‘it’s complicated’ I imagine love through wormholes over tens of thousands of years, alien biology
Sincere, like a compliment from a car salesman.