I’m out here scooping up street salt and repurposing it to margaritas as God intended.
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MTV giving awards for music is the same as Fox News giving an award for unbiased journalism.
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
The cashier probably looked at me funny for buying 4 gallons of ice cream because she didn’t realize I was planning ahead for two entire weeks.
Computer keyboards should have a removable crumb tray, like toaster ovens.
Nobody ever appreciates all the work I put into perfecting my karate moves. It’s always “you can’t do crane kicks here” and “ma’am please leave the zoo immediately”.
My wife is furious that I phoned the police about some kids selling homemade lemonade in the street. Specifically “they’re not hurting anyone”, “it’s not illegal” and “they’re our kids”
My kid can’t remember to flush the toilet but can repeat every episode of My Little Pony, word for word
January is the ex boyfriend you shouldn’t drunk text at two a.m.
I don’t want to marry Bill Gates because he’s rich.
I want to marry Bill Gates so I never have to fix my own computer.
I’m trying to find my niche, and my nechphew
Girl, are you an environmentalist?
‘Cuz everytime you walk into a room you turn it into a heavily wooded area.
I complained about a crying baby to the flight attendant; turns out they won’t accommodate you if the baby is yours
People with stick figure families on their car: Oh look how cute we are!
Criminals: I’ll need 3 rolls of duct tape.
“just sayin” who asked you though?
Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.
Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.
-my cat.
Throwing it back to 3 weeks ago today, when I came home for lunch…and I’m still here.
Me: But I’m sweaty, I’m anxious, my heart rate is up
Doctor: This is the 3rd visit I’ve had to tell you I can’t treat being offended online
Realized I never said “unquote” after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I’ve said since is Shakespeare
You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.
asked my bf what the red mark on his tummy was and he said “oh, I tried to steam my shirt while wearing it and burned myself.” this is the person I’ve chosen to love.
I gave one kid a laser pointer and told the other to catch the dot.
Follow me for more pro-parenting tips.
the chicken crossed the road for the same reason everyone else does— to avoid running into someone it knew
(team meeting)
boss: i’ve always had a no nonsense, take no prisoners approach to…excuse me but what’s with all the looks of disdain?
me: what? oh yeah…since we dropped the mask mandate, it’s difficult to remember that my face isn’t covered.
boss:
I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.
*NEW*
For BOXERS in the ring.
For lawyers writing BRIEFS.
For guitarists plucking G-STRINGS.PUNderwear ®
Comfort is No Laughing Matter™
Him: Why do they call this five alarm chili anyway?
Her: You’ll find out tomorrow.
[next morning]
Him in the bathroom *screams*
Her yelling: That’s one!
Him *screams*
Her: That’s two!
Parents: When you finish the chores will you please look for a job.
Me: [painting the cat’s claws] Still a lot to do unfortunately.
I WON’T TELL YOU AGAIN!
~ me to my kids for the 387th time today
My kid told me it was too sunny outside and for a moment it seemed like he wanted me to do something about it