Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.
-my cat.
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Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.
Who called it a henhouse attendant …
and not a chicken tender ?
Can we not just call it Zealand now?
My wife just told me 11 more things I do wrong after she said she wasn’t talking to me anymore.
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
[Extremely heavy metal voice]
HELL YES I WOULD LOVE TO HOLD YOUR BABY
“who hurt you” myself bro, I make horrible decisions
If only.
Parents that need to reheat coffee are adorable.
Hardened parents will chug it cold, or chew straight up coffee grounds; they’re desperate.
Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.
If I saw Bigfoot I would simply take a high resolution and focused photo of him
*[At the dinner table]*
“No grandma, those aren’t knitting needles. We’re having Chinese food”
Snakes full of cheese instead of poison would certainly improve the atmosphere at this church.
The school asked my wife to stop me driving with the kids in the car as their teachers are tired of explaining that the things I yell at other road users aren’t biologically or physically possible.
Preparing myself for a post apocalyptic wasteland by learning how to sleep without the TV on
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but alcohol makes ugly people pretty.
Blood was spilled, curses were uttered, tears were shed, muscles were sprained and dowlings were thrown away, but an IKEA shelf was born.
While Twitter was down yesterday, I managed to finish my book report on War and Peace…. of course it was due in 1978, but that’s not really relevant here.
“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry
Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though
Meet me in the bedroom.. bring the gravy boat.
Don’t make this weird…
If I was named Edward Normus, I’d use my first name’s initial and my last name as much as I possibly could.
*Lady gives balloon to my son*
ME: What do u say?
SON: I WILL CRUSH MY ENEMIES
ME: *nervous laughter* No, the other thing
SON: Oh. Thank you
when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf
After 5 minutes of staring at grass, I came to the realization that Earth has green hair. That’ll do, brain. That’ll do.
Can you put some pants on my voodoo doll & pop some money in the pocket please
Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it
My 4-year-old’s questions while watching me put on makeup for 3 minutes:
-Why is your face melting?
-Why do you make your face look evil?
-Why are you biting your eyeballs with those scissors?
I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.
On average most people gain 7 pounds during the holiday season. So, looks like I’m way ahead of schedule.