If I was named Edward Normus, I’d use my first name’s initial and my last name as much as I possibly could.
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I switched to brown eggs but can barely taste the chocolate. Huge disappointment.
Woody: lol u guys! u guys. come hear this shit
Buzz:
Woody: say it again
Buzz: [sighs] to infinity and beyond
Mr. Potatohead: lmao “AnD bEyOnD” does he not understand what infinity means
Every animal: how will we see things that are behind us?
God: just turn around
Almost every animal: ok
Owl: I absolutely will not
Can someone wake me up when this nightmare is over?
*lies on floor, closes eyes tight*
(in customer service line at Walmart)
I believe the main difference is that one will see you later and the other will see you in awhile. I could be wrong, I’m not a zoologist.
[1st date]
Her: So, tell me about yourself
Me: Well, I’ve got a black belt-
Her: Oh!
Me: …and *looking down*.. brown shoes, gray socks…
6 yo: I’m getting bigger, this house won’t fit me much longer.
Me: You’re NEVER supportive of my goals and accomplishments.
Police: Because you keep killing people
I always wear striped stockings in hopes someone will mistake me for a witch and drop a house on me.
These hair growth vitamins are sure making my mustache fill in nicely.
Freddy Kruger: I’ll get you in your sleep!
Me: Good luck with that.
(4am)
Freddy: *yawning* What the hell? Go to sleep already.
Me: Jokes on you. I’m only up to 4th grade on reliving my most embarrassing moments in life.
Freddy: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
[hospital]
DOCTOR: you’re ok
ME: so it was just a dream
DOCTOR: no your heart did turn into a bowl of cereal but your system is accepting it
Potatoes & rice should be friends but they’re starch enemies.
Plot twist: maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnut.
God’s son died single, but he’ll help you find your match on Christian Mingle.
me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks?
wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns
[folds menu gently and sets down]
please may I have the applebee
[First Date]
Me: “I’m sorry. It’s just that I’ve been burned before.”
*Stuffs handful of fries through visor in hazmat suit
*Closes visor
Death be not proud. Death not so great with words, but happy to go out with any girl you want fix Death up with.
Really, eating peanut butter is just like doing kegels for your mouth
[speed dating]
date: what’s your biggest turn on?
me: wind turbines
date: ah i’m not a big fan
me: next
Please don’t delete your tweet. Yes, it was pretty stupid, but my reply to it was a masterpiece.
Genie: ok, this is your last wish
Me: Could you speak up a bit?
Genie: YOU IDIOT!
Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.
I see Netflix changed The Punisher’s origin to have his family killed by the government instead of him getting bit by a radioactive punish.
Sometimes you find a video that reminds you why social media is the best thing ever
How animals would run if they were human
MY LAST MEAL ON DEATH ROW WILL BE RICE CAKES CAUSE THEY NEVER FILL ME UP AND I’LL JUST KEEP EATING UNTIL ALL THE GUARDS DIE
Man: I’d like an order of buffalo wings
Bartender: sorry, we don’t serve food here
*a sandwich that just walked in flips a table and leaves*
Hey, we never talked in high school!
Let’s be Facebook friends so we can once again never talk!
JUST LIKE OLD TIMES!