If I was named Edward Normus, I’d use my first name’s initial and my last name as much as I possibly could.
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You can’t simply wear purple corduroys, you must sport them
They call cat people crazy but we’re not the ones outside at 5AM every morning putting fresh dog poop into tiny baggies.
Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”
I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank
No, I’m not wearing lipgloss, I’ve just been eating salami.
In my 20s: I would never lie to my kids. They will be strong enough to see the world as it is.
In my 30s: That’s called Paw Patrol. They only have it at the barber. You can watch it again the next time you get a haircut.
Does Target have crack floating through their air vents? Went in to buy milk, came out with a giraffe, 6-pack, someone’s kid, and a headache
The best coffee is outside my house but the best no bra is inside my house so you see my dilemma
You ever been talking to someone and go to lean on a wall that’s like 3 inches further away than you thought
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
Someone in this marriage has to be able to smell natural gas leaks and since *someone* had a lab accident I guess it’s going to be me.
Good morning to everyone except people that can tell the difference between ‘Under Pressure’ and ‘Ice Ice Baby’ as soon at the song starts.
doctor: can you bend down and touch the ground with your fingertips
me: [struggling] nope
doctor: try without the stilts
Social media for large reptiles: Instagator
[noir detective voice] I knew she was a ghost the second she walked through my door
My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.
My resume is really just a list of shit I hope I never have to do again.
police: DROP YOUR WEAPON
me: places my self-deprecating humor gently on the ground
A magician’s assistant wears two layers under her costume: a bra, cadabra
[Restaurant]
Date: I like guys who plan ahead
Me: Excuse me, waiter! *Leans in* Make sure my widow here is well looked after
*manager storms backstage* Kandi, your twerk looks like the first signs of Parkinson’s. Foxxxy, you couldn’t get a Werther’s Original hard.
Well my name’s Harry Potter and I’m here to say
That half of my movies looked wet and gray
im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying
my propensity for dark humor brings all the boys to the graveyard
I’m at a Metallica concert, and the woman beside me just used her phone to google “Metallica.”
[I remove my bike helmet, but my toupee comes off with it]
“I’m sorry guys, is there something funny about safety?”
Sorry, ma’am. I’m a solid 4 1/2. You’re an 8. You’re out of my league.
When a friend dies, I’m not sure if I should unfriend them on Facebook or occasionally “poke” them to see if they’re still dead.
Alright! Everyone that got a DM containing a map to my treehouse, meet there in 15 mins. Those who didn’t, maybe consider being nicer to me.
Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the new hiding your report card from your parents.