If I was named Edward Normus, I’d use my first name’s initial and my last name as much as I possibly could.
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[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
* on my death bed
Me: One thing I want you to do for me…
Wife: Name it?
Me: I want you to marry Larry.
Wife: (pause)You sure? I thought you hated Larry?
Me: I do.
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
Everyone is acting like they’re all excited for the eclipse like anyone will even look up from their phone
[job interview]
“So what would you say is your biggest weakness?”
“I’m pretty bad at reading situations.” *tries to kiss interviewer*
Krampus.
I hate it when baby boomers are like “your generation is too sensitive!”. Like ok, Gail, I’m not the one writing 8 paragraph Yelp reviews because the restaurant was painted a color you didn’t like.
I’m stunned that some of you watch the news, like on purpose.
Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.
I think someone broke into my apartment and took a bag of almonds.
Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.
“When I was your age, I already owned a house”
Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws
I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.
i trust babies a lot because i can throw them pretty far
No Linda, I CAN’T believe how early it’s getting dark. After 4 billion years of this happening I was sure this would be the year it didn’t.
Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.
Just remember…once annoying family arrives, the only side dish you’ll need is whiskey and a shot glass.
A milkshake in the yard yields hornets. Therefore, place a hidden milkshake in the yard of your enemies.
*a meeting somewhere*
“Women seem to want pants with pockets.”
Great. Let’s sell ’em all the pockets we can.“Okay, but just to be clear *pants* with pockets.”
Yes yes, I hear you, Junior. They want pockets.“No, pants with—”
Wow it’s almost noon. Let’s hit the links.
The neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the creepy guy & I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
[drive-thru at 2am]
Whaazzuupp!? Lemme gets 12 tacos, 6 burritos, and a Diet Coke. Booyah!
Neighbor’s mailbox: …
[first day as priest]
Me: Do you take this woman as your lawful wedded wife?
Him: She’s my daughter and this is her baptism.
Me: Mazel tov.
You know what doesn’t charge $20.00+/month and prevent you from sharing a password?
A book.
8 yo, singing quietly to himself “dancing queen, young and sweet, only seven teeth”
i am a strong woman, but if a server doesn’t bring my food out with everyone else’s, fair warning – imma cry
Barber: “How would you like your hair cut, sir?”
Me: “With scissors.”
Barber: “Very good, sir.”
*puts samurai sword down*
wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair
I bring my Roomba to parties, so I’m not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.
Happy anniversary to the almond at the bottom of my purse.