Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.
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I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.
Gravestone: If you’re reading this I am dead.
My husband hates it when I say ‘long story short’ so I’m going to start saying ‘the long and the short of it’. Marriage is all about compromise.
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I don’t think Die Hard is a Christmas movie?
COP: *drawing weapon* Don’t move you son of a-
BATMAN: *struggling to escape from chains*
RIDDLER: Not so fast, Caped Crusader! You have to solve my riddle first! *sneaking a look at his son’s math textbook* If one train leaves Pittsburgh at 8am traveling at 65mph…
my husband fell asleep and I don’t know how to turn the volume down on his game without killing his village or whatever so I guess the soundtrack to my insomnia tonight is intense medieval lute music
Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”
Everyone wants to be a Viking until you set them out to sea on a boat that’s on fire.
I’m starting a merciful puzzle company that keeps the edge pieces separate from the middle pieces because it’s 2019 and we shouldn’t have to work so hard to be bored.
Shaking hands is so weird:
“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”
Me: I want to be a part of the Avengers.
Nick Fury: What special powers do you have?
Me: *buys popcorn and doesn’t start eating them until the movie starts*
Nick Fury: Holy shit!
me: I want to be inside you like one of those Russian dolls that keeps getting smaller and smaller
her: you’ve never sexted with a real person before, have you
[Catching wife in the bedroom with my best friend]
Wife: PUT ME DOWN YOU IDIOTS
If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
Stop showing me pictures of british people’s breakfast I’ve already been through enough
“It’s not a competition” you say as you lose the secret competition.
ME: sorry, I’m just in a really dark place right now
COAL MINER: who the hell are you
On my flight to Montreal, the 20 something sitting next to me passed on her in flight snacks. I don’t understand this generation.
If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.
Interviewer: I don’t think you’re a good fit for the job.
Me: [glances up from Game Boy] What makes you say that?
I’m sorry, I’m about to lose you because I’m driving through a tunnel underwater in a canyon on an airplane while hanging up the phone.
Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is broken
Them: Farm animals don’t make good pets
Me: Hold my goat
Me: Going to the concert with my friends now
Wife: Say hi to everyone for me![Later]
Me *individually greeting 10,000 people* this is exhausting
If you see my kid on zoom in the same clothes he’s been wearing the past five days mind your business our homeschool has a uniform.
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler getting his nose wiped
twitter is cool because sometimes your random thoughts resonate with thousands of stupid losers
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!!!”
(Seductively takes baby dragon out of Gucci purse & lights cigarette.)