Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.
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I hate commas its not my job to tell you when you breathe work it out youre a grown adult
Something we don’t talk about enough re: climate change is that it will eventually get so hot that the goth lifestyle will become unsustainable, which means humanity’s most precious resource- hot goth chicks- will be extinct by 2040
*walks into starbucks*
Me: HEY ANY ASPIRING AUTHORS HERE?? SOMEONE FROM PENGUIN PUBLISHING OUTSIDE!!!
*has choice of any table*
NO SCREENS FOR THE WHOLE WEEKEND just fell out of my mouth and if divorce were a facial expression my husband just asked me for one
Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.
Motherhood is full of surprises but the biggest surprise is when I take my bra off at night and random things I hid from my kids come tumbling out.
One day I want to wear jeans to the gym, just to watch the outrage.
“My dog took 20 minutes to find a spot to poop this morning” is, apparently, not a good response to “Why are you late?” and “Why do you only have makeup on one eye?”
Me: I wish I had an egg and cheese biscuit.
Husband: McDonald’s sells breakfast all day.
Me, feigning surprise: They do?
Husband: Yes, want me to go?
Me: That is so sweet you don’t have to.
Husband: But I want to!And that is how marriage works.
This Lyft driver asked my spouse where he was from (Pennsylvania), then said, dead serious, “Y’all got a lotta werewolves up there?”
Just realized “do not operate heavy equipment” is not even meant as a concern for your safety. Just their liability if you drive a combine thru a playground
To cut a long story short, play your audiobook on triple speed.
I’ve resorted to stuffing my bra with car trash so I can get everything out in one trip, but thanks for carrying that sticker inside, son.
My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.
“I am doing well.” – Russian man having sex with a well
That’s “Mr. Human Scum” to you, buddy.
I don’t know who this is, but he’s made my day.
Adorable idea. Colleagues have been writing names on their food in the office fridge. I am currently eating a yoghurt called Debbie
j o i m p
“Only real heroes run towards danger” I think to myself while hiding from my whining children.
My dream of making Playboy gone, so my best bet is National Geographic photographing me naked, carrying water on my head.
marriage counselor: you can’t run away from your problems
me: [leans forward, whispering] what if she gave me a head start
wife: I can hear u
I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.
Mom: Some scary old lady keeps FaceTiming me.
Me: Mom, turn your camera around and she’ll go away.
I told my Mom that I was going to the Apple store and she said, “You sound like you’re 4 – it’s the grocery store”.
Sorry I marked myself as safe on Facebook after your PowerPoint presentation.
Early this morning a bird was chirping loudly at the same time that my husband was snoring and it was really sort of beautiful how they were pissing me off in harmony.
[holding hands]
Her: I think I love you
Me: WHAT?
Her: Did I say something wrong?
Me: *running away with only one arm attached* not at all
The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family
My new refrigerator beeps when the door has been left open for too long and so when I’m looking for lunch now I always feel attacked.