Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.
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I call bullshit on red wine reducing fat. If there was any truth to that, I’d resemble a crack addict.
My wife bought a rice cooker today. I guess we’re going to eat a ton of rice over the next few days and then never again.
my 8yo’s friend came over wearing a Guns-n-Roses t-shirt
me: cool shirt, one of my favorite bands when I was younger
him: yeah it’s my grandma’s favorite band
Inspiration twitter:
“You’re worth keeping. If others walk away from you for any reason, it’s because they’re losers and they should feel badly.”
Also inspiration twitter:
“Never feel badly about walking away from losers who drain you for any reason. It’s self care.”
Neighbor: Help I have a plumbing emergency!
Me: *grabs tools*
Neighbor is naked and wet
Me: um what kind of plumbing are we talking about?
My boss: So… [dramatic pause]
Me, uncomfortable with silence: …a needle pulling thread?
I’ve just found a mole on my shoulder.
I don’t know how he got out of the garden but he’s cute.
Walmart was so crowded today that they had 2 cashiers working.
Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?
Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?
Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?
Lawyer:
I’m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I’ve been to in the last week that’s had “insufficient funds”.
Me: Don’t look at me that way. Everyone pees in the shower.
Her: Yes. Most people have the shower running.
M:
H: Please leave Home Depot.
I made you something special for Mother’s Day, my kid threatened.
New bird on my deck today. Not in my bird book. Will eat seed. Will not fly. Concerned may be hurt.
I illegally download music, but only Metallica.
They seem to be pretty cool about it.
The ice cream man is not impressed how much faster I run than children.
No more emails. If you want something from me you must approach me slowly and calmly with a piece of apple or carrot in your palm with your fingers flat and extended so I do not bite them
I asked the bookstore employee where the self help section was. She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
“Doctor, I’m afraid of people yelling letters of the alphabet at me.”
THERAPIST: Oh! You are? WHY???
Please be on notice:
From this point forward, I shall tweet exactly whatever autocorrect provides.
I’m sorry if that isn’t exact whet you were expectorant.
If you want my opinion ask my wife
Tonight I wanna stay at home and watch a movie with my boyfriend.
Can someone recommend a good boyfriend?
A horror movie but you have to scoot out of the round booth to get away.
yeah baby i am an animal in bed. more specifically a koala. i can sleep for 22 hours a day
Me: You must train hard to beat Kylo Ren.
Rey: I already beat him once with literally no training.
Me:
Rey: Look. I still have two hands.
I’ve tried playing Jenga with children. But it’s so much easier using the little wooden blocks.
BOSS: “Send that email to the client and copy me-”
Me:*Boss voice* “Send that email to the client and copy me”
Aladdin: 🎶I can show you the world-
me: I’m cold this is boring
*whistles at dog*
DOG: I have a boyfriend
Making friends was so much easier as a kid.
5: This is the smallest finger I have.
Other 5yo at the park: Well this is the smallest finger I have!
Both: (giggle)