It may be an unpopular opinion, so block me if you must, but not all Girl Scout cookies are good. Their “Toast-yay!” should be called “Toast-boo!”
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“Needs to be punchier” — someone who has no idea what they want and wants you to figure it out
I was like, “How many times do I have to repeat myself? I feel like a broken record!”. They were like, “What’s a broken record?”.
Wow, what amazing teeth! May I have a closer look?
~ Red Riding Hood, seconds before realising that forgetting to wear her spectacles wasn’t the only mistake she’d make that day.
Fellas,
If you kill a spider while you’re at her place, congratulations. You will be having sex.P.S. Bring a spider.
It’s good to know that if I’m ever being interrogated, a mosquito bite on the back of my ankle is what would finally break me.
god: when i close a window, it opens a door. jesus christ!
jesus: ya dad?
god: you need a new hobby. carpentry’s not workin out.
I am not the person I thought I was when I cut that donut in half.
I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.
-Where was I conceived, dad?
Dad: Ahh *rubs back of neck* At the Bellagio in Las Vegas.
-Rly?
Dad: Wd I lie to u, Bestwestern Broomcloset?
There’s no such thing as coincidence?
I’m confused.
If there is no such thing why did they name it?
Coincidence?
I think not Xx
He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.
[opening presents on the 5th day of christmas]
“I’m gonna be real with you Karen if there’s more birds in this box I’m leaving you”
There’s a bounce house at the bail bondsman’s office. There’s curiosity in my mind.
If you cross a guinea pig with a hedgehog you get a pighog. I don’t make the rules
If I ever met a Space Alien, I’d resist shaking its extended appendage, not knowing for sure the details of alien anatomy.
what if we kissed on the garfield couch
He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
Years ago my wife and I were on an early date in a Chinese restaurant when a guy came over and said to me: “Can you shut up? You’ve got a very loud voice”. I said: “My girlfriend has very poor hearing. Isn’t that right?” And to her enormous credit she replied: “WHAT?”
*stands up fast
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
It’s only my second day picking up my son from pre-school, and I’ve already learned the best question to ask if you want more than a one-word answer: Did anyone get in trouble today?
“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”
– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive
My 11-year-old has never worn slippers so naturally this is the one thing she remembered to pack for vacation.
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your phone.
i hate when you’re boiling an egg and it gets a crack in it and the egg’s ghost escapes. very scary and i don’t like it
My sister on holiday with the kids, they had a few cute ‘towel animals’ left on the bed during the week but just came back to this
Save some A’s for the rest of the animal kingdom, aardvarks.
After it’s spent a hard day protecting my phone I take my OtterBox off. I rest my case.
I have a special place in my heart. For blood and vessels and stuff.
“Dad, I’m I want you to move back home rent free”
hi I want you to move back home rent free. I’m dad
“Ok thanks dad”
well shit
There needs to be a grocery store for single people where they sell flour by the tablespoon.