After it’s spent a hard day protecting my phone I take my OtterBox off. I rest my case.
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I identify as an antique shop.
20’s: need to look cool when I go out
30’s: need to look cool and be comfortable when I go out
40’s: need to be comfortable when I go out
50’s: I don’t need to go out
gf: remember, my dad’s really into sports, so talk to him about that
me: will do
[later, meeting girlfriend’s parents]
me: so, sir, jen tells me you’re really into sports
her dad: that’s right
me: why
Just realized I get most of my upper body strength from shredding cheese.
Lent is a holiday invented by the banks to sell more loans
Kids: We’re bored.
Me: Here’s a dime. Call someone who cares.
Kids: What?
Me: When I was a kid that was an insult.
Kids: Why?
Me: We had phones you had to put coins-
Kids: Why wouldn’t you just text them for free?
Me: So we didn’t have textin-
Kids: OMG HOW OLD ARE YOU
When I say “let me think about that” it means I’m gonna ask someone smarter than me
Gonna shake things up and start signing emails off with, “In loving memory of, Me”
SEXY FLATMATE: I miss my boyfriend
ME: The doctor?
F: He never comes round anymore
ME [smiling at my room full of apples] Yeah it’s so weird
[driving to the next town over]
me: maybe you wanna stop and ask for directions?
husband, driving us through the boonies: nonsenseme: now maybe?
husband, passing a ‘welcome to canada’ sign: nome: just ask already
husband, somehow in the middle of the ocean: I WILL NOT
If she says “I have a question but don’t lie”, just know that she already has eight photos, three witnesses, a voice message and eighty six screenshots.
[Gameshow]
Host: “You are one question away from our grand prize. How do you feel?”
Me: “With my hands.”
Host: “Correct!”
*crowd goes nuts*
wife: you said you were going to organize the garage during the pandemic
me: I said NEXT pandemic
I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.
Me: Would you tell a friend or co-worker if they have bad breath?
Wife: Of course
M: Even tho it’ll upset them?
W: Yes, must be cruel to be kind
M: *handing over mouthwash* You’ll be needing this, then
W: I despise you
—Never bring a knife to a gun fight.
—I have to bring a gift to this thing? I barely know these people.
why is it called “free time” when i use it to spend all my money
Don’t let people tell you that you can’t give up. You totally can. I do it all the time.
*finally detangles ear buds
*plane lands
Someone just wished me “Happy Holidays” and I was so offended. How DARE someone assume I’d ever want to be happy.
I decided to jog in place at a stoplight and got some really strange looks.
I should’ve just stayed in the car.
When I’m dead, I’m going to haunt offices and say, “OooOoo… why are you using your mouse?… hit Control-C… you’re taking forever…”
me: are you checking me out
librarian: yes
HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?
ME: i love love actually actually
Me, 1st time in a corn maze: This is scary and stupid. Let’s go. Where’s the map.
Husband: I gave it to her.
Me: To the FIVE YEAR OLD?
8: Yeah. She had it, but she threw it at the Corn Man we saw.
5: And then he ate it.
Che Guevara was such a revolutionary. He revolutionized the t-shirt sales.
every outdoor cat should be given a little cowboy hat and a gun
Just accidentally deleted all my contacts. Best day ever.
Wife: Did you give the kids a bath?
Me: I got the dirt off.
Wife: What does that mean?
Me: *hides the leaf blower*
*hears someone breaking into my house*
Me from upstairs: Don’t you dare touch the last piece of chocolate cake!