My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….
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Not to brag but a guy I made out with in 8th grade just wished me a happy birthday on Facebook and asked me to subscribe to his YouTube channel 🤩
[1st date]
Her: I love quail
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Cher
M: Omg me too!
H: Love men
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Pepsi
M: WTF is wrong with you?
Hard not to take this personally
HITMAN: Who’s the target?
ME: [slides photo across table]
HITMAN: You..want me to kill Shrek?
ME: Not Shrek [taps photo] his talkative horse
Benjamin Button
Started off dead
Violets are blue
Roses are red
We had a pleasant conversation about how we hate talking to people and then he said that this is a good reason for us to…
Me: … fall in love?
Him: … stop talking to each other.
For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.
Bringing a carrot-and-raisin salad to a potluck is a subtle way to let people know you hate them.
*reads own tweet*
Haha, so relatable
boss: you’re fired
me: [like a movie director] CUT…CUT… ok try again but this time don’t say that
Me: So, what was the issue?
Plumber: You had hundreds of Q-tips clogging your toilet.
Me:
Plumber:
Me: *sheepishly* I ran out of toilet paper.
TUPAC IS DEAD
BIGGIE IS DEAD
AND ME ALSO I AM FEELING NOT SO GOOD
this is awesome. I didn’t even know I had a first season. W
My 8yo (a qualitative soul): How cool is THAT!!
Me (a quantitative soul): *reaches for thermometer*
Me: “Listen, whatever they’ve offered you to kill me, I’ll double it.”
Them: “All they offered was the experience and exposure.”
Me: “…oh no. The influencer mafia.”
Mom there’s a boogie man in my closet!
*mom looks and I’m standing there with an afro in a satin shirt and platform shoes
I constantly see other people’s jobs they’re doing or have done and think “psshhh, I could do that better” like artists, photographers, dog walker, giraffe masseuse, water boy at a bath house, monkey tickler, Seth Greens personal high fiver, Doctor of Thuganomix.
Wife: We should go camping
Me: Yay
*waits til wife is gone to tell kids the Blair Witch Project plot. Camping trip turns into visit to NYC*
[calls up friend]
Remember when you said I wouldn’t ever make it on TV? Well turn on the news!
“Okay, but why are you calling from jail?”
Imagine the carnage at an IKEA team building event.
He asked me to do something freaky in the bedroom so I stayed awake for two days
friend: the key to a good joke is misdirection
[later]
guy: hey can you tell me how to get downtown?
me: *barely containing my glee as i point him uptown* yeah go that way
Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.
Why was the picture sent to prison?
It was framed.
I’m not good at communicating with others these days. I actually started a conversation the other day with “I like your chicken. It’s very fluffy.”
Mom Octopus: *opens bedroom door* What’s up?
Son Octopus: *slams laptop* Nothing!
Mom Octopus: YOU BETTER NOT BE LOOKING AT PRAWN AGAIN
It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me
Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
If I’m still single on Valentine’s day I’m going join a dating agency for sure!
Husband: ….