HITMAN: Who’s the target?
ME: [slides photo across table]
HITMAN: You..want me to kill Shrek?
ME: Not Shrek [taps photo] his talkative horse
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The way I see it, you have 2 choices: you can go with the grain, you can go against the grain, or you can go across the grain. 3. You have 3 (three) choices.
I saw a woman I work with in line at the pharmacy and instinctively said “hey what are you here for?” She blushed and didn’t respond in case you’re wondering about my ability to create awkward situations
This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.
Please, my pastrami on rye. It’s very sick.
“If you can’t handle me at my diddliest, you don’t deserve me at my doodliest.” -Ned Flanders
I almost hit a deer tonight. But then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out.
Back to having zero haters, feels good.
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
Cartoons led me to believe cities were filled with more folks trying to catch dogs in nets on sticks.
Me: [I run into the break room at work] You! You have summoned me! I am here.
Coworker: What?
Me: You just summoned me. I heard you.
Coworker: I opened a can of Spaghettios.
Me: Yes.
What can I eat that’s healthy and a donut?
Them: Ok we need to create good plastic packaging for cakes and cookies
Satan: MAKE IT REALLY LOUD
“People want to drink a panic attack.” — inventor of 5 Hour Energy
My bank called me for suspicious activity on my account & I was like “no, I went out last night”
I bet the people worried about what’s in the vaccine never even take a peek in the kitchen when they eat in a restaurant
WWE is French for “yes”
My love language is deader than Latin
I can’t believe I used to talk to people.
Me, to all my kids before the age of 2.
“No screens allowed.”
On their 2nd birthday, handing over iPad.
“This is your mother now.”
My gf said, “I’m backing the car in the garage. Would you let me know when I hit the wall?”
Me: Sure.
[BANG]
Me: it’s 4 35 pm.
My last remaining brain cells uniting as I try to help my 8 yr old with their math
My laugh is like what you’d hear if a hyena and seal were mating and it wasn’t going very well.
Once a teacher said nobody was buying my cool guy act but he dropped his clipboard and there was a drawing of me in sunglasses on it.
This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.
*Digging my own grave* sounds like a lot of exercise just to lie down.
tall people make me nervous. what the hell are you doing up there? stop eating the leaves off that tree
What’s the downside of being rude to your executioner?
I like when the doctor says nice things about me (cool shoes) and I don’t like when the doctor says mean things about me (bad cholesterol, need more exercise, drink less, actually the shoes suck)
Went to an Air & Space museum today, nothing was in there. I asked “So what’s the exhibit?” & the guy was like “You’re breathing it, man.”
It’s my mom’s personal mission in life to save me 20% on all my purchases by clipping out and giving me every coupon known to mankind.
I found an old photo of 5 yo me in my dad’s boat and on the back he’d written “my pride and joy” and I’m 99% certain he was referring to the boat