This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.
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[first date]
ME: I’m having a great time
HER: I’m not
ME: *peeking out from my pillow fort* I don’t even let my dog in here, Janet
If you see your ex, wrap your hands behind your neck and pretend you’re making out with someone. That’ll show him you’re still crazy AF.
Once I’ve made up my mind about something, there’s no stopping me
from second guessing myself.
[adopting dog]
VOLUNTEER: we need your life history to make sure this animal is safe[leaving hospital with baby]
DOCTOR: don’t let him die
I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more
Holmes: “I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?” Watson: “No, shit, Sherlock”
I showered and left the house. The least you could do is fall madly in love with me
I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?
Them: I’ve got athlete’s foot
Cop: wh-where’s the rest of the body
Twitter crush? Nah, that’s my X girlfriend.
Marvel, DC, and the world unite to agree on one SUPERVILLAIN to rule them all….
The Guy Who Determines Snack Food Serving Sizes.
I cannot stop laughing. Bungalow.
Friend: “This is the year I’m going to marry my best friend.”
Me: “This is the year I’m going to train my dog to come when I call him.”
Your preoccupation with Hugh Jackman, Hugh Grant and Hugh Laurie is irritating. Why do you have to make everything about Hugh?
{football huddle}
hey are you guys mad at me?
I mostly do what I want, but sometimes the US court system has an opinion.
WRITER: It’s a kids movie about a woman trying to kill & skin a puppy.
PRODUCER: That’s horrific!
W: What if it was 101 puppies?
P:…Go on
[On the phone with my bookie]
Put it all on Jesus and let it ride
dad: *hands me a taser* only use this on someone who you’re sure is going to hurt you
me: *immediately tases myself*
I can’t get my 10y/o out of bed in the morning unaided. I have to waft bacon scent in her face and then she wakes up on her own.
“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”
god: you have outlived your purpose
dinosaurs: give us another chance
god: fine
dinosaur chicken nuggets: not like this
He had the strength of ten men and the confidence of twelve morons.
Good questions to ask on a first date:
*Do you have any siblings?
*What was your major in college?
*Is that your original skin?
*Do you think the humans suspect anything?
*Do you prefer eating meat or souls?
*What kind of music do you like?
Etc.
Remember that the most popular man in the village was its idiot.
The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”
My husband won’t let me pick up wood at Home Depot because he doesn’t want it scratched or bent but I can take care of his children daily.
my son spilled spaghetti sauce between the couch cushions, and immediately said “I guess it’s the Marinara Trench now” and I have tears of joy
[ brings ouija board to your grave ]
“Okay, now will you tell me why her number was in your phone?”
My 5 year old set up the lemonade stand all by himself and, while I’m proud of him, I doubt he’ll make a lot of sales in the backyard.