This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.

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Me winding up as the last man on earth is an unlikely scenario, but an awful lot of women seem to have already thought it through.


CW: what did you do to your hair today?

Me: It’s really unclear whether you think it’s good or you think I slept in a ditch.


I refused to buy 9yo a polished stone at the store to go with the rocks she found on the way into the store, and let’s just say our relationship is a little rocky right now.


A chip tracker but it’s just me following the potato chip crumbs dropped by my toddler


What if I never *dramatic pause* sleep *dramatic pause* a- *falls asleep during third dramatic pause*


Kylo: I need an N to finish my favorite Vader quote.

Han: This is SpaghettiOs, not Alphabet Soup.

Kylo: Great. Now Vader says, “OOOOOOOO!”


[opening day at fast food place]

manager: all the orders in?

employee: yes.

manager: the electrical all set?

employee: yes.

manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?

employee: yes.

manager: perfect. we’re ready.


All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.


PROPOSAL: Rebrand shootings as “late-term abortion.” Watch the GOP scramble to stop them.


My 6-year-old: I can’t sleep

Me: If you count sheep jumping over a fence, it can relax your mind

6: What color are the sheep? Wait, what color is the fence? Wait, why are they jumping? WAIT, IS A WOLF GOING TO EAT THEM…?