god: you have outlived your purpose
dinosaurs: give us another chance
god: fine
dinosaur chicken nuggets: not like this
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ANGEL: *creates alligator*
ANGEL’S BROTHER: *creates crocodile*A: *creates dolphin*
AB: *creates porpoise*A: *creates llama*
AB: *creates alpaca*A: *creates ostrich*
AB: *creates emu*A: quit copying me
AB: qUiT cOpYiNg mEA: i’m telling god
AB: i’M TeLLiNg gOd
Japan’s theme parks have banned screaming on roller coasters because it spreads coronavirus. “Please scream inside your heart.”
Is Miley Cyrus pregnant? Will The government stay shut down? Will the GTA online servers work? Find out on the next episode of Dragon Ball Z
It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake
“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”
-my family
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
ME: Hi mirror
BEDROOM MIRROR: Hello you flawless hunk
ME: Hi mirror
BATHROOM MIRROR: well if it isn’t the hideous troll of Blemishville
Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.
Me: I love fresh bed linen
Doctor: OK, but maybe stop eating it?
I feel so envious when I see young mothers pushing their babies in strollers. I want my OWN…..my own stroller & someone to push me.
I would make a terrible Buddhist because I kill a lot of ants and drifters
Imagining if Mario was actually your plumber. Jumping all over the place. Throwing fireballs at your cabinets and shit. Becoming briefly invincible. Just a really negative home visit
[uses Ant-Man tech to carry around a bunch of dogs in my pocket]
Sorry I jumped out from behind the Doritos display at Kroger and started choking you, I’m new to all this roleplay stuff.
I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.
I gave artisanal crisps a chance, because they’re crisps. But I am done with these crackpot flavours now. “Gravel steamed wildebeest and okra”. “Startled jellyfish with air”. “Pancake and moss”. “Thoughts of turnip”. “Boastful earwig on a bible”. Enough is enough
*ex-Olive Garden server shoveling dirt into a fresh grave*
Tell me when.
Someone thanked me, and, caught between ‘ok’ and ‘alright’, I whispered ‘karate’ back at them.
Sooo many times…..
“Think outside the toy box” -my kids bs excuse for why they didn’t clean up
to the spirits in my walls: going to the store be right back.
[before horsepower was invented]
car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons
Billy Idol: Dancing With Myself
Billy Idle: Sitting With Myself
I love having dinner at my fancy mansion when my mysterious guest casually asks me a piercing question that indicates they know all about my clandestine, illicit activities
Hearing aid salesman: You’ll be able to hear everything people say.
Me: Hard pass.
My response to my boss when he tells me to work harder when I haven’t had a raise in eight years:
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.