The first 8 minutes of any plumber’s visit are spent apologizing for what we tried before we called him.
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My kids were helping me clean & then they asked what their reward would be.
Um how about you continue to live here?
Ok, all you people who adopt dogs and put “who rescued who?” stickers on your car… you drive me crazy!
Clearly it’s “who rescued whom?”
[mob about to stone a sinner]
JESUS: Stop! Let he who is without sin throw the first stone.
[mob drops rocks]
JESUS: [picks up rock]
oh you like bad boys? well sometimes i cite articles i’ve only skimmed
In the event of a robot invasion, show them a photo and ask them to point out the street signs. It fries their circuits and they explode.
Shoutout to Batman for being a true American and proving the only superpower you need is money.
Computer backup systems are expensive so I include “Death To America” in my email signature & the NSA backs up everything I’ve ever written.
We just got a fax. At work. We didn’t know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.
I don’t like to insult women, but I’m not a big fan of my boyfriend’s other girlfriend.
If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.
Me: I invited Todd over for dinner.
Wife: Uncle Todd or Todd who takes things literally?
*Todd exits out the back door with our television*
They say women only use 10% of their anger
when I was a teenager learning to drive, I was very concerned about what would happen if I had to sneeze while driving. someone would tell me what to do, and I would be like, “ok. and if I sneeze?”
You know you’re ordering too much takeout food when the delivery guy replies ” it’s me” when you ask who’s at the door.
Put some whiskey in my coffee because it’s Ireland somewhere.
I actually turned on the light so the Roomba could “see” where it was going, so I’m not exactly firing on all cylinders today.
Dear law students: my opposing counsel just asked her witness how old she was when she turned 18. You’ll be fine.
[Romeo below the balcony in 2022]
“I brought chicken”
My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.
Me: Is your friend coming or what?
16yo son: I don’t know. He’s not answering his texts.
Me: Why don’t you call him?
Son: I don’t know what that is.
the matrix is a movie about the hottest people in the world using the computer
Before sprinting towards the elevator, ask yourself, “Am I hot enough to make them hold the door?”
The sequel to The Sound of Music starts with Maria and Capt. Von Trapp, cold and hungry, huddled together in the middle of the Alps making a list of the order in which to eat the children.
[inventing eggnog]
Exec: Gag them, but festively.
[christmas break with my extended family]
*me in Oprah voice* YOU NEED A THERAPIST AND YOU NEED A THERAPIST! EVERYBODY NEEDS A THERAPIST!
I told my 8yo to stop fighting with her sister, and she said “I’ll stop fighting with my sister when you stop fighting with yours.”
found out today that in my 7-unit “no pets allowed” apartment building, I am the only one without a cat. I’ve been surrounded by secret cats this whole time
I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.
A lot of people don’t know this but if you pull the stick out of a corndog, it’ll explode like a grenade