@LindaInDisguise Me: We do *not* spit on our classmates!
5YO: Well, who DO we spit on, then?
I miss the funny stuff my kids said when they were little.
@JanelSantaCruz Shoutout to Batman for being a true American and proving the only superpower you need is money.
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@LindaInDisguise 
@thepaulasuzanne Guess who’s going to finally get their shit together in 2022?
Not me. But God speed, whoever you are.
@bekindofwitty “You told me to chill out, not to stop punching the chair.”
– My 6yo reminding his Dad why it’s important to be specific with kids.
@mdob11 Boss: Why weren’t you at work last week?
Me: Why are you living in the past?
@Fred_Delicious [Elon Musk sees a homeless guy]
“Oh no, this is terrible. I simply must use my vast wealth to address this problem”
[2 weeks later]
“I have invented sunglasses that make homeless people invisible so that rich people don’t have to see them”
@tchrquotes Parenting is basically telling your kids they need to eat more fruit then telling them to quit eating all the fruit.
@shegotagronk You’re so vain, you probably think me driving by your house 27 times at 2 a.m. wearing all black with binoculars is about you, don’t you.
@jonnysun did u kno that when a plane lands the first person to stand up gets to drive the plane for the next trip
@TragicAllyHere @funTweeters I dig it! Thank you
@tastefactory EXPLORER 1: *looking at ancient symbols in pyramid* It says “Here lies updog”
EXPLORER 2: What’s updog?
EGYPTIAN SPIRITS: Lol