Shoutout to Batman for being a true American and proving the only superpower you need is money.

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Me: We do *not* spit on our classmates!

5YO: Well, who DO we spit on, then?

I miss the funny stuff my kids said when they were little.


Guess who’s going to finally get their shit together in 2022?

Not me. But God speed, whoever you are.


“You told me to chill out, not to stop punching the chair.”

– My 6yo reminding his Dad why it’s important to be specific with kids.


Boss: Why weren’t you at work last week?
Me: Why are you living in the past?


[Elon Musk sees a homeless guy]
“Oh no, this is terrible. I simply must use my vast wealth to address this problem”
[2 weeks later]
“I have invented sunglasses that make homeless people invisible so that rich people don’t have to see them”


Parenting is basically telling your kids they need to eat more fruit then telling them to quit eating all the fruit.


You’re so vain, you probably think me driving by your house 27 times at 2 a.m. wearing all black with binoculars is about you, don’t you.


did u kno that when a plane lands the first person to stand up gets to drive the plane for the next trip


EXPLORER 1: *looking at ancient symbols in pyramid* It says “Here lies updog”
EXPLORER 2: What’s updog?