My wife tried calling the cable company and they put her on hold for 58 seconds…
58 seconds…
58 whole seconds…
Then she hung up, because she said “it felt like forever.”
…where was that attitude on our wedding night???
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*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*
You can’t scare me, you’re not getting my kids ready for school all by myself
Teacher: Your daughter is doing so well at school we’d like to move her forward a year.
Me: *whispering* oh my god they invented time travel.
Me: I’m never getting married again no matter what anybody says.
Her: I made us cheeseburgers.
Me: uh oh.
Me: one mcflurry please
Cashier: the machine is down
Me: awe then one for the machine too
My kid:
With blanket – too hot
Without blanket – too coldUnder my blanket with a leg over my neck – perfect
My safe word is now just a dry cough.
Just did the math and found out I can retire next year if I start saving $144,468.02 a month.
when the next drug dog retires can I have it cause I straight up do not remember where I put this bag
Twitter is fun because you can post a pic of pizza and people will get mad at you.
My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.
Why is Iron Man’s arch nemesis not Wrinkle Man?
I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around
A Gothic novel about a governess who works at the manor house of a mysterious man who spends a lot of time in his attic. She eventually discovers that he keeps his LEGO sets there.
What idiot called it chicken broth when you’re sick and not pharmasoupicals?
Hey Young Girls, when a first date suggests you two go to “your place”, take him to Target.
I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.
And a Czech one too.
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Waiter: table 3 want soufflé
Me [an hour later]: I can do toast, tell them they can have toast, it’s like bread but harder
“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first
Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?
“ICEBERG, RIGHT? A HEAD?”
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You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.
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BIKE: Seems like you’ve been eating well since the last time you used me.
ME: *regretting the “great deal” I got on a vicious cycle*
It’s crazy how quick women are to cut each other’s throats over a guy!
I mean I’d understand if it were shoes….but a guy???
eek. i forgot hvac guy was in the basement and i have been very aggressively yelling at inanimate objects.
Here, let me loosen those morals for you.
TSA Officer: Ma’am, you can’t go through security with that much liquid
Me: But I couldn’t find a bathroom
mugger: gimme your wallet
me: me or her?
mugger: I don’t care
me: *looks at date* I mean I did pay for dinner