Me: I’m never getting married again no matter what anybody says.
Her: I made us cheeseburgers.
Me: uh oh.
You Might Also Like
Cause of death: Very rough shirt tag
I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.
Alex Baldwin implies the existence of Alex Hairloss
After my second “oh shit that’s crazy” it’s time to wrap up your story.
Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
I used to care what my neighbours think but then I met them
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: Cargo space?
Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager: Can I see you in my office?
horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?
deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day
My niece asked me “Why is his body so little?” Now I can’t unsee it.
“Damn! If I wasn’t already married, I’d propose to myself,”
I humbly say as I taste test this homemade mac and cheese.
My role in family now primarily consists of walking around the home shouting, “ONLY ONE PAPER TOWEL!” anytime anyone approaches the roll.
ME: Whoa, these people are hardcore Goths
CORONER: How many times do I have to tell you that they’re corpses, you’re looking at corpses
ME: Well, time to make like a tree, and leaf.
HER: *giggling* So, my place or…
ME: *starts sprouting leaves from my fingers*
HER: WHAT THE
I’ve never done Russian Roulette, but I have been in a public bathroom stall with a child who knows how to open doors.
If I was one of the seven dwarfs I’d be Nopey.
Make fun of my briefcase all you want but I’ve got a whole cake in here.
[stopped by cop]
Cop: License & registration
Me *slurring my words*
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: No, this is just who I am b4 coffee
[sideline]
QB: So extra point or conversion?
COACH: Hmm…conversion[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QB: Are you ready to accept Jesus into your life?
According to this Ancestry DNA test, I’m 40% caveman. Thanks, Flintstones vitamins.
My secret talent is pushing all your buttons and helping you discover new buttons you didn’t know you had.
Barista: That will be $8.00.
Me: Sure. *walks out with the napkin dispenser and an entire bucket of Splenda*
ME: My new contacts are here!
WIFE: Don’t put them all on at once like you did last—
ME: [eyes wide] I CAN SEE YOUR BONES
INTERVIEWER: when u read a good book, wat kind of things do u pictur in ur head
ME: [pausimg for a split second too long] words
my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm
got an email from my bank saying “is your 401k enough to retire on” and it’s like you are my bank you know it is not
Once you’ve had a bug on you everything is a bug on you for the rest of the day.
He was a good dog. He was a beautiful, very good dog. Who was a good dog? Who’s a beautiful, good boy? Was it you? It was.—Dog obituary
Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don’t want to share their pizza with anyone.
*receives invitation to dry wedding*
*becomes wine smuggler and most popular wedding guest ever*