It’s Facebook’s 10th birthday today. Let’s all click “Maybe” on the event invite and then not show up.
You Might Also Like
Is your bathroom floor too dry? Try having kids™️
Me: You can be anything you want when you grow up
Son: I want to be a dinosaur
Me: I meant like a job. Like you could be president.
Son: I want to be the first dinosaur president
My wife gives me the speaking treatment.
I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.
I’ve never played Jenga, but I have had to extricate myself from a sleeping toddler in my bed, so I think I could handle it.
AC changed “dies slow death” to “does slow death” and that actually feels more on point
Let’s cut to the chase babe. I’ve only got a few DMs left.
I love long walks on the beach with my girlfriend, until the Ambien wears off and I realize I’m dragging a stolen mannequin through the Taco Bell parking lot.
Inflation is definitely out of hand when hot cross buns are £1.25 for 4 when they used to be 1 a penny, 2 a penny.
Does anyone else have Bad Underwear which is kept at the bottom of the drawer to help you remember that it is time to clean the Good Underwear
I could probably be lured into a white van with no windows with guacamole.
…or queso.
…or salsa.
…or dill pickles.
…or Jeff Goldblum.
…or, hell, any kind of cheese at all.
I ain’t picky.
My milkshake won’t bring the boys to the yard but I’m betting my free wifi will.
Seriously though: Facebook is a wasteland, Twitter in turmoil, Instagram has collapsed trying to be TikTok, and TikTok isn’t a social network. If you wanted to start a social network, this would be the best time in 10 years to try that.
Really shocked to hear about the dead worm. I didn’t even know it was sick.
Your leftovers looking at you from the back of the fridge as you order Postmates again
*rolls over to your desk on chair*
So what was in that browser you just quickly minimised?
Another impossible beauty standard for women to live up to
I’ll admit, ever since I saw Psycho as a kid I’ve felt a tiny bit nervous each time I kill someone in the shower.
New Subway rule: You must give the person in front of you a wedgie if they take more than 5 seconds to choose what kind of bread they want.
detective: [examining dead body] do we know who he is
me: yeah we got his name from his coffee cup
detective: what was it
me: starbucks
No one has tried to kill me in awhile, and my body double is openly complaining the job I hired him for is less exciting than promised.
[first date]
Her: I like my steak rare
Him: *trying to impress* I’ll order for both of us. 2 panda fillets please.
Real person: Do you have Twitter? I’ll follow you! Me: Nope, sorry. Don’t have a phone or a computer. Or a microwave. Hard times and all..
Him at 1am: Wanna come over?
Me: Sure thing, sexy
-Cut to me crawling out of his TV like that girl in The Ring
I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.
*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*
American Bulldog: Bark!
German Shepard: Ba<hocks loogie>rk!
Boston Terrier: fahken bahk!
What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer
therapist: so, when did your fixation with marbles begin
her: [mouthful of marbles] hard to say
I don’t understand the expression “on the lamb.” If you’re running away, wouldn’t you choose a faster mount?
*Toddler grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, son.
*Husband grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, hon.