Really shocked to hear about the dead worm. I didn’t even know it was sick.
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Wife – We’re invited to a gender reveal party.
Me – I always knew Ralph wanted to be a woman.
W – It’s for a baby
Me – Ralph is pregnant?
I wonder if my girlfriend jenniferbobmarklayla4362774463564636688 survived the bot purge?
Listen, when there’s a global outage of computer services and my workplace is entirely unaffected, it’s just really really unfair to me.
now that a whole door ripped off an airplane and no one died they should let you roll down airplane windows so we can go back to smoking mid flight
As a kid my favorite part of the school year was emptying the coat closets that last week. Forgotten clothes. Abandoned book bags. And especially that brown bag terrarium that was once a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
I don’t get it. Rock beats scissors but no one says shit about running with them.
The worst part about the measles outbreak at Disneyland was still the price of admission.
Memorial Day was always my grandpa’s favorite holiday because he was a WW2 vet and also loved to buy mattresses.
[Busy Diner]
Waitress carrying 4 plates: “OK now, honey. Who was eggs?”
Me (highly educated): “In a sense…” (scrunching up eyes to read her name badge) ”…Barbara. All of us were once eggs.”
ME: I played Wordle today
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Wordle is?
SON: no
ME: It’s like Mastermind but instead instead of colors it’s letters
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Mastermind is?
SON: no
[operating room]
SURGEON: We’ve lost him
NURSE: Exact time of death?
GUY IN THE CORNER INSTALLING CABLE: Sometime between 2pm and 6pm
Caveman Summer
Dad: Go. Play. Outside.
8: But I want to draw on walls
D: GO!
8: Fine!
*he goes
Mom: Why don’t you go with him?
D: Dinosaurs
You’d seriously think I was wanted for murder by the way I react when someone knocks on the door…
would’ve started saving money in kindergarten if I knew life was gone be like this
The ice cubes in my parents’ freezer are original.
I’d choose @funTweeters over anti-depressants any day.
not to brag, but mine was free
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Baby: *sleeps longer than expected*
Me: *checks if baby is alive*Kid: *makes loud thud from other room*
Me: *checks if kid is alive*Teen: *hasn’t sighed in an hour*
Me: *checks if teen is alive*
Ferrari squats
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My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 😡
[onboard the titanic sinking] oh no i just ate
Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally I’m not looking to develop a heart problem
*looks up from phone*
Great, I’m inside of a coffin again.
I tried to cancel the sail I ordered for my new boat but Amazon said:
“We’re sorry, your sail has shipped.”
Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.
Friend: It was yesterday.
At first you don’t succeed, destroy the paper trail saying you tried.
[in Starbucks]
“It’s Ian with one i”.
“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.
Cw: Ignorance is bliss
Me: Explains why you’re so happy
HR: It’s good to see you again
Showed my mom a pic of a guy I thought was hot and she said he looked just like my dad when he was young and now Christmas is ruined
Hi, I’m Suki. And I just turned the volume down because it was getting too cold in my car.