Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally I’m not looking to develop a heart problem
You Might Also Like
So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?
*first day as a dog catcher
“I don’t see why we can’t use a ball.”
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning.
Top Tip: Don’t name your kids after places, objects or things you see on the internet
Me: Sorry son, it seemed like a good idea at the time
they should invent a hydrating liquor
Why do all these blurry people keep telling me I’m drunk?
me logging onto twitter
Canadians have a pretty great reputation, in the world and on Twitter – polite, peaceful, community-driven, they don’t wear shoes indoors…
Canada is the reason we put pineapple on pizza.
Discuss.
Once a teacher said nobody was buying my cool guy act but he dropped his clipboard and there was a drawing of me in sunglasses on it.
Me, eating catfish: This looks nothing like it did on the menu.
Son: “Did you know alligators can grow up to 15 feet?”
Me: “Wow, I thought most only had 4.”
Close call…
Is being in two bands cool? Depends. If you’re a high schooler: yes. If you’re a lobster: no.
how do lawyers not cry when arguing
Sending in my taxes
WIFE: I’m leaving you because of your constant mansplaining. I can’t believe you didn’t see the writing on the wall.
ME: That’s called graffiti, Sharon.
I try to kill that fly in the house five or six times and then just open the storm door and let him fly away. It was never personal.
I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.
Asked my kid what kind of donut he wanted and his answer was “six.”
[Millennial Antiques Roadshow]
Appraiser: The beige color & stretched coils indicate this was the cord to a…landline phone.
*crowd gasps
it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first
I peed on my neighbors shrubs one time and he installs cameras, one time.
The tornado siren was just going off here, but I think I can make it to the liquor store.
I knew I had succeeded as a life coach when they called me needing to be bailed out of jail.
What I was warned about as a kid:
*Strangers in vans
*Gum taking seven years to digest
*QuicksandWhat I wasn’t warned about as a kid:
*Arguing with a computer that I’m not a robot
*Being sad when my favorite spatula breaks
*Meeting a “pickleball influencer”
My wife: let me borrow your phone a sec …
Me: [cartwheels into a volcano]
6: daddy can u turn up the cold heat
Me: I…I’m not sure what to do
Stop staring at my chest! Geez dude, it’s like you’ve never seen toilet paper before!
They say as your kids get older they get more likeable but that can’t be true because my parents still don’t like me
If you want sparkling, sophisticated conversation, catch me early in the month, before I’ve used up my ten free New York Times articles.