“Daddy, how do you spell Budweiser?”
“Uhhh….why?”
“I’m drawing a picture of you for school.”
“Cool! It’s spelled G-A-T-O-R-A-D-E.”
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People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.
Bring your kids to work day was a huge success. One of the children fixed our server.
[first date]
DATE: so you love dogs?
ME: yes, I relate to them very much
DATE: aww that’s swee-
[a fly buzzes my head and I try to bite it]
*guy shows me his Chinese character tattoo*
“It means wisdom”*I show him a Batman BandAid on my arm*
“It means I was brave at the doctor”
What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?
Nothing. He was STUFFED!
Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet
My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch
me: why are you leaving me Barbar?
Barbara: because after 11 years you can’t get my name right
me: but I love you Brabra
[first day at the cia]
supervisor: we need you to plant these bugs.
me: [nodding furiously] because that’s where they live.
“No, Mister Bond, I expect you to… draw tourists.”
*evil laughter*
If someone calls me “boo” I automatically assume they’re trying to scare me.
[Me narrating a documentary on guerrilla warfare]
And here’s more footage of people, but I’m sure apes will be in this film any minute now..
Soo… I guess when he asked for my number he didn’t mean how many lovers I’ve had?
ME: You have a beautiful home.
HER: I’m a bartender. You’re at a bar.
Laziness is the art to rest before one gets tired.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes
#Wednesday
Batman’s Bat Signal was really banking on the fact that crimes only happened at night.
[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter
‘Did you hear, Tim died.’
Oh no, was it serious?
The secret to sustaining a happy marriage is to keep the mystery alive. So tonight I decided to clean something unexpectedly.
19 is making brownies.
Puts brownies in the oven and goes up to his bedroom.Now I have to set the house on fire to teach him a lesson.
I can forgive the fact that Peter Peter was a pumpkin eater, but I can’t abide by the fact that his first and last name are the same.
Coming home from costume party dressed as a priest, and pulled over by Police.
Cop..You been drinking?
Me..Water.
Cop..I smell wine.
Me..Oh my God, He’s done it again!!!!!
I need real life DIY youtube videos. I want to see the guy start to explain then be like “oh shit I forgot this part” or “dammit I got the wrong thing!” And drive to Lowe’s 47 times. Don’t give me that 4 min video Dave. We all know it took you 13 hours.
[the creation of nostalgia]
GOD: ok give the children all the happy feelings
ANGEL: okay
GOD: now as they age don’t let them recreate those feelings
ANGEL: uh—
GOD: make them hyper aware that they once had something they’ll never have again
ANGEL: dude what is your problem
They say a dog park is a great place to meet guys.
I don’t have a dog, but I walk around with a bag full of poop so I don’t look weird.
Boss: you’re fired
Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?
“Catch me if you can, officer.”
*Seductively winks.*screams as police dog takes me down.
me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster
hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic
toothpaste is a big scam. if ur tooth falls out, it stays out. toothpaste Will Not paste it back in.