me: why are you leaving me Barbar?
Barbara: because after 11 years you can’t get my name right
me: but I love you Brabra
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“LUKE CHECK OUT HOW HARD I CAN CRY”
*Squatting over cat litter box*
Husband: What the fu-
Me: THERE’S A SPIDER IN THE BATHROOM
Friendship: because I’ve said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks
Boss: Good suggestions at the staff meeting today, Bill.
Me: I talk in my sleep?
Just a reminder that you’re not allowed to hit your coworkers. Even if they’re stupid.
I asked.
Twice.
day 1 of quarantine: i have stockpiled 1200 tubes of yogurt
day 2 of quarantine: my kids have just finished the last of the yogurt
If I answer my phone and you ask for me by my full name, there’s a 100% chance we’re about to be disconnected.
I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.
*goat walks into a bar
*bartender sets down a beer coaster
*goat eats itgoat: Hit me again.
Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner.
Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.
Boating season is upon us.
Only in America would they name a state after a bucket of fried chicken.
Money doesn’t grow on trees sounds like something rich people would say so you don’t go looking for their money trees
Meow meow meow
[Wife comes home early]
MEOW!
*cats scramble to untie me from the torture rack*
THELMA I TOLD YOU THE CATS HATE ME I TOLD YOU
Scorpio: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
When people ask me for directions Im just going to do a really slow sarcastic Macarena .
Her: If you look up immature in the dictionary you’ll see a picture of yourself!
Me: Oh I’m immature? I’m not the one with pictures in my dictionary Karen!
Angel: Whatcha makin?
God: I call them peanuts. A tasty treat in a protective shell. They’re not really a fruit or vegetable. Most people will love to eat them.
Angel: That sounds innovative-
God: Others will eat them and die
Angel: …is this a prank?
Hey honey, wanna role play?
I’ll be Dexter.
The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.
cop: “you’re drunk, get out of the car.”
judas: “bbut I’ve bbeen on tthe water all night.”
–
[jesus whistles innocently]
“Kids today have it so easy.” You know what? I’ll let old people have that.
When they were kids, pediatricians smoked cigarettes during appointments and lead paint was practically a beverage.
[laying on top of me]
4: I love you mommy; you’re my couch.
☀️🧛🏻 🌙 🦇
Anytime someone loses something in the office HR doesn’t ask if anyone’s seen it, they just send out an email that says “Give it back Josh”
Indian Chief: What that bottle of vodka for?
Me: I got it for my girlfriend.
Indian Chief: Good trade.
friend: you’re saying a huge alien lifted you onto his ship, examined you, and sent you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying