if I wasn’t supposed to grow up to want a sugar daddy why did we base an entire holiday around a much older man bringing me presents for being a good girl
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[two female cops come to arrest me but I am hiding in the men’s bathroom]
Haha
“What do we do?”
Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit
[first date]
HIM: Can I call you sometime?
HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone
Tripped over the roomba, so I’m getting my revenge by pouring glitter everywhere.
my 6yo: guys?……can i do anything i want with this brownie?
my husband and i: ………👀
6yo: like eat it with a potato chip?
*synchronized sigh of relief*
[exchanging vows]
HIM: I’ll love you forever.
HER: I’ll love you until you leave me a voicemail.
HIM: Wait, what?!
PRIEST: No, that’s fair.
If all your friends jumped off a bridge would you follow them?
Machine learning algorithm: yes.
[gets invited to a party where kids are welcome]
*me to my baby goat* This is your moment to shine!
Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.
Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it’s best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.
You can extend the olive branch..
but you can’t beat them over the head with it
me: u ok babe?
babe: oink
i just really want crab legs
..not to eat or anything, no, i just wanna scuttle across the floor and see who runs in terror from me
Wish all of my viruses were this polite
Guys, if your lady tells you she needs windshield wiper blades, SHE DOES NOT MEAN FOR CHRISTMAS!
[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu
*As the Titanic sinks*
Bandleader: Next, we’d like to play something off our new album
Guy clinging to railing: BOOOOOOO
Me: So how do you want me to drop you off for your first day of middle school?
11: Just pull up and act cool.
Me: I don’t have to “act” cool, so I got this.
11: Daddy …
Me: Got it. Just be me.
11: DO NOT JUST BE YOU!
Why am I like this?
#Shipping #Ecommerce #SmallBusiness #USPS #ShipDude
[on my way back to the posting caves]
This morning I woke from a dream. I have no memory of it except that I was asking someone, “Is constipation a problem for fish?”
You are NOT too much. You are ENTITLED to take up space. If the Suez Canal doesn’t have room for you that is the Suez Canal’s problem.
We need to take better care of the ocean because terrifying things live down there & if we destroy their home, they are going to come into ours. If you think traffic is bad now, wait until Cthulhu is sitting in the middle of the highway trying to eat a school bus.
I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.
They should fill the airbags with confetti to make car accidents more fun.
*crashes vehicle*
“OMG, my legs! Hey, a party!”
*dies smiling*
Hey, sexy. Wanna merge our DNA and make mini versions of ourselves who will never give us a moment’s peace and destroy all our stuff?
friend: don’t worry so much
me: omg why what will happen
Active voice: I loved your book
Passive voice: Your book was loved
Passive-aggressive voice: I love how you felt the need to write a book
The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was NOT letting his friends and family know he was good with computers.