Clock: oh shit, I am
Me: looks like the clock’s a bit fast
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So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?
Be carefully which minty aromatic
plants you accidentally step on.Thyme wounds all heels.
DON’T STOP BELIEVING!
…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
Vacation Bible School is a phrase that gets less exciting for kids as each word is introduced
Um my neighbor is operating a wood chipper …. at night👀
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
Me: Please, call me John. No need to be all fancy with titles and last names.
Drill sergeant: …
A shake for breakfast. A shake for lunch. A sensible dinner. SEVENTY FIVE COOKIES AT 12:34AM
If you tell me my life would be SO much easier if I’d organize everything, I swear I will stab you with a fork. As soon as I find my fork.
Girl: I like good boys
Me [trying to impress her]: *shapeshifts into a pack of smiley golden retrievers*
Hey doofus, the fashion police called.
Your father died last night on duty.
He wanted you to have this.
“Slim fitting houndstooth peacoat*
My niece thinks she’s more mature than me because she listens to Beethoven.
His movies sucked plus why would I wanna listen to dog music?
It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
Any time I see a couple jogging together, I try to figure out which one of them is unhappy about it.
It’s not a walk of shame if you do the Macarena to your car.
Not to brag, but most of the problems that take Dora the Explorer 30 minutes to figure out, I can solve in like 18-20 minutes.
Stop talking. They are staring at you. You are saying bizarre things.
-An Inner Monologue
My eldest nephew is on the spectrum, and his one-liners are iconic.
My mom told him, “I’m disappointed in you.”
He looked at her and replied, “Well, let’s hope you get over that feeling by tomorrow.”
That was 5 days ago. She has yet to provide a proper reply LMFAO
If you’re looking for a woman whose problem solving skills include plugging the power strip back into itself to use the outlet it’s in, hit me up.
Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.
Jesus: Go forth. You are now fishers of men.
Peter: *harpoons a guy*
Jesus: Too literal, bro.
Church is the worst book club ever. We’ve been talking about the same book for 2,000 years and most of us still haven’t even read it
”Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
–MC Hammer giving a Museum tour
Oh, you’re a parent? Then how many times have you moved a cup back from the edge of the table this week?
[Fancy Restaurant]
Host: May I take the lady’s coat?
Me: Please.
Host: And yours sir?
Me: *tightens belt around my karate GI* You can try.
Just hired a dirtying lady. About to watch her and my cleaning lady fight it out.
“I really like Eminem.”
” I prefer smarties.”
“No, the rapper.”
“Why would you eat the wrapper?”
#FridayVibes #RubbishJokes
If this whole existence thing is just a dream, I’d rate it a Rotten Tomatoes 47%: the scenes are haphazardly thrown together, the story drags, the villains are boring and stupid and there’s not enough nudity