My eldest nephew is on the spectrum, and his one-liners are iconic.
My mom told him, “I’m disappointed in you.”
He looked at her and replied, “Well, let’s hope you get over that feeling by tomorrow.”
That was 5 days ago. She has yet to provide a proper reply LMFAO
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Don’t tell your friend you like her sweater unless you mean it; she might knit you one.
Getting my second jab today. They’re making me sign a form confirming I’ve been repeatedly told the vaccine won’t allow me to survive being fired from a trebuchet into the tree where the squirrels took my mars bar.
Him: What the hell is a palindrome?
Me: No, it’s not
Hoping my son just tells me he knows I’m the tooth fairy so I don’t break my back trying to ninja this dollar under his pillow tonight
Abs are made in the kitchen, but a six pack can be bought in a store
Me: I think you’re going to be sick tonight.
My 9yo: *eating their fifth dinner* Why do you think that?
Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.
If your rice gets wet, just put it in a bag of phones.
You OK? You’ve barely touched your crocssant!?!
A week into my bathroom reno has taught me that anyone that willingly buys fixer-uppers is a sociopath
when you’re a parent you can expect to find a banana anywhere. ANYWHERE.
I think I’ll make spicy masala mixture for a curry to serve alongside some naan bread and chai tea, in other words:
spicy spicy mix mix with bread bread and tea tea
Who called it baking and not making love
Me: what kind of birthday cake do you want?
7: I want a big Star Wars cake with blue frosting at the top and green frosting at the bottom, little stars all over, a baby yoda on top and when you cut it open, M&M’s flow out like a waterfall.
Me: I meant chocolate or vanilla.
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.
Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.
The Accountant.
h/t: @KrangTNelson @Boogieknight
Me: *drinks tea*
Villain: haha! I have poisoned your drink!
Me: *starts drinking faster*
Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.
Marriage is wearing the same shirt for three days in a row and on the third day, your husband asking if you got a new shirt.
An older couple saw me open my wife’s car door for her and came over to compliment me.
Moral of the story: old people are nosy.
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
Whenever I get a call from a telemarketer, I just treat them like a free therapist. We can talk about my car’s extended warranty after you figure out why I’m afraid of pralines.
Life Hack: In any hipster coffee shop, say “You haven’t seen The Wire?” and in the ensuing commotion, leave without paying.
Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.
Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly
Who called it a wolf in sheep’s clothing and not a woolf?
My 4yo brought his Woody doll to the store and was swinging it around. I told him loudly to stop hitting people with his Woody. Parenting.
Her: What brings you to speed dating?
Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.
Victoria’s Secret supermodels aren’t as impressive if you add shopping bags
Me: Will I live a long and happy life? *shake, shake, shake*
SOON A DOZEN CLOWNS WILL MURDER YOU WHILE YOU SLEEP
Me: This is the worst Magic 8 Ball ever.