Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
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i dont have time for this
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
Me: I don’t think I belong
Therapist: Do you think you be short?
Son: daddy I drew a dinosaur
Me *looking at the drawing*: no you didn’t
A 6-month wait when filing for divorce, but only a 15-day wait when buying a gun. I think the solution for relationship problems is clear.
[holding baby] haha oh whoa i thought he’d be slimey but he’s really dry
Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times
If you don’t want to be in love with me that’s fine. You’re entitled to your wrong and very stupid opinions.
Spiderman: *shoots web from wrist*
spider: yeah that way’s fine too
ME: *falls off the wagon*
THE REST OF MY CARAVAN ON THE OREGON TRAIL: Phew. Finally.
Me: I published a cookbook of casserole recipes called “Top It With Crushed Potato Chips!”
God: Ahhh ok yeah. That makes sense then. Welcome!
Email from my mom: What’s my email address?
Sorry for getting political on here but a hungry hungry hippo wouldn’t eat marbles. It would eat your head.
Girl: I love Medieval Art
Boy: Who doesn’t? There he is now
Medieval Art: Good morrow! Pray tell- How fare thee on this day of providence?
[customer service desk]
customer: hi, I’d like to make a return
me: ok great I’ll see you later then
*licks lips*
Me: “Do that thing I like babe.”
Him: *orders pizza*
‘Pumpkin’ has got to be the weirdest pet name. How do you look at the person you cherish and adore and decide to call them the second largest squash in North America?
Before I drop a bag of clothes off at Goodwill, I like to take it for a ride in the back of my car for a good five or six months.
I’m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.
Unsolicited sandwich pics.
My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.
mowed ⅓ of the lawn before my body remembered I haven’t exercised in 40 years
[prison]
CELLMATE: what are you in for?
ME: (actually in jail for jumping a fence to hug a panda) murder
Welcome to 50, where your body says no to you far more than you have the energy to say it to your kids.
I believe that every single child, regardless of nationality or citizenship, should be forcibly removed from this country.
[death row]
Guard: Any last words?
Me: [smugly] photosynthesis.
Guard: …
Me: it sounded longer in my head.
forget nudes: in 2019 we’re sending pics in our fanciest attire. gauzy floral skirts. ball gowns. the kind of fur coat worn by a wealthy lady who has been thrice-widowed and hasn’t seen her fourth husband in some time.
WIFE: why do we even need a gun in the house
ME: *fires off 8 rounds just to kill a spider* that’s why
There’s no “k” in team either. This is fun. What other letters aren’t in team?
Cabin 1: *coughs
Cabin 2: What’s the matter with him?
Cabin 3: Cabin Fever.