Email from my mom: What’s my email address?
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i’m almost fully convinced that the people who design jeans have never actually seen a human body
Her: (emerges from the sea, beach waves glistening in the sunshine)
Me: (washes ashore topless looking like Sigmund the Sea Monster)
I like my women how I like my straws ….
Bendy and full of liquor.
Squirrels before girls.
The veggies I bought 3 weeks ago as I reach for another pudding
Right now 36-year-old Meghan Markle is celebrating her marriage to a prince.
Right now 36-year-old me is celebrating the fact I found lasagna in the freezer.
Guess we’re both living the dream
My wife asked me if I was going to take a shower before we go to some friend’s house for the evening like she didn’t see me get in the pool.
[seeing a new mom pushing a baby in a stroller]
Me: GET A JOB!!
Her: ok wow, I literally just had my baby
Me: I WAS TALKING TO THE BABY!!
Me: My passion for the sea is rather inconsistent, I’m afraid. It comes in waves
Navy recruiter: Get out
When I say I learnt it on the streets… Just know i’m paying respect to Big Bird and that counting vampire guy
[right after sex]
Me: so that was uhh-
The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!
Wife- Don’t forget the trash.
Me *BATMAN VOICE- I’ll forget whatever I want.
Wife- What did you ju…
Me *Robin voice- I said, yes ma’am.
Okay, I’m still confused…
“Whats your biggest weakness?”
“I’m bad at taking compliments”
“Actually that’s quite endearing”
*Leaps across table, punches him in throat*
My 3yo asked what my favourite animal is and when I said penguin she yelled ‘NO IT ISNT’ and then she yelled at me until I agreed that my favourite animal was a bat and I don’t like bats. Or 3 year olds.
I like my coffee like I like my men
Sliding off the roof of my car as I drive away
MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.
I just walked into my bedroom and said to my husband, “I can’t believe you forgot what day today is,” then walked out and slammed the door.
Therapist: today we’re going to do an exercise
Me [shifts nervously in seat]: oh, I-uh
Therapist: calm down, fatty. Not actual exercise
A vegan walks into a bar and doesn’t say anything because the person who has never seen star wars is going on about never seeing star wars.
[first line of my romance novel] her eyes, they looked like they watched netflix
[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating
My super power is being able to sing along to Pearl Jam without knowing a single word
Who are we?
CLIENTS!What do we want?
WE DON’T KNOW!When do we want it?
RIGHT NOW!
WELL WELL WELL if it isn’t the matching sock to the sock I threw out yesterday.
You can’t stop your dogs from barking by yelling at them. They’re just like hell yes we’re all yelling now let’s all keep yelling this is great
[guy inventing wicker furniture]
think I might knit myself a chair
[2018]
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: uh ok *takes him to president Donald Trump*
ALIEN: lol good one but seriously where’s ur real leader
Please don’t call it man flu. Its correct name is manchester flunited.
My hateful coworkers discovered that I eat my lunch in the air ducts and now they’ve taken to smacking the air ducts with a broom.