If you don’t have your Florida ID with you on voting day, you can always show them a photo of yourself wearing a tank top to a funeral.
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Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Do you think his parents looked at him as a baby and said “You look like an Engelbert Humperdinck”?
Me: Tell me about your weekend.
Bob: Why? You never ask.
Me: I find your voice acts like a laxative.
Bob: That’s disgus-
Me: It worked! Bye.
I don’t get upset when autocorrect screws me because it’s the most action I’ve seen in years.
kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back
me: *hugging his dog* no
You know how when everyone is clapping along to the song and you join in and it’s fun at first but after a while you’re like oh shit do I have to keep this up for the whole song? That’s what life is like.
A new poll shows that half of people would keep their current car forever if they could. “And now you CAN!” said the cost of living.
The eyes are the window to the soul which is why I’m throwing pebbles at your face.
7: I’m thinking of a number between 1 and a thousand million
Me: Thats great!
*I walk away
gentlemen, hear me out
… then, I hit the salesperson with “do you know who my father is?”, their attitude changed after that
A dog can locate the source of a sound in 6/100ths of a second which is almost as fast as a kid being able to locate a parent opening a candy wrapper
A guy I know was flirting with the cashier, and she ignored him. When he said “How about a thank you?” She leaned toward him, and said “It’s printed on your receipt.”
Liquor Store Parking
Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”
Boss: “It’s 9am”
Hey chicks who wear a buttload of make-up. Don’t borrow someone else’s iPhone to make a call. You leave half of your face on the screen.
My daughter has recently become deathly afraid of our cat. So I’m going to have to get rid of her. At least I’ll have my cat to comfort me.
KID911: wats ur emergency
SON: sister is staring at me
KID911: did you tell her to stop
SON: yes! she isnt even blinking
KID911: omg ok take a deep breath
KID911: now scream for mom
MARINE BIOLOGY PROFESSOR: So an octopus can change its color to mimic its surroundings. When octopi do this it’s called—
ME: An octo-lie.
PROFESSOR: …Metachrosis.
ME:
PROFESSOR:
ME: Mocktopus.
Me: Hi, I’d like to cancel my 8am appointment for tomorrow.
HR: For the last time, call in sick for work like a normal person!
I saw a sign that said “bridge subject to icing” and I thought “that sounds delicious”
Me: I have a toothache.
WebMD: Your molars will eventually eat your brain.
Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.
My ex once told me not to psychoanalyze him but he left me for a psychologist and I think about this a lot
It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you
Look, I can still fit into my clothes from 10 years ago.
*pants split*
*buttons pop off*
*shirt seams tear*
Too bad the workmanship is so shoddy.
Him: Why do you carry a knife?
Me: A sword is harder to hide.
Me: Can’t wait to sit on my front porch with my black cat and frighten children.
Coworker: I love Halloween.
Me: I meant after work today.
“if I am joking you would be laughing, do you look like you are laughing? “
What I said: GO TO BED!
What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
Mormon: Want to hear about my religion?
Me: I already know. There can be only 1
Him: That’s Highlander
Me: Come back when you have swords