@TheAndrewNadeau

MARINE BIOLOGY PROFESSOR: So an octopus can change its color to mimic its surroundings. When octopi do this it’s called—

ME: An octo-lie.

PROFESSOR: …Metachrosis.

ME:

PROFESSOR:

ME: Mocktopus.

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This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.

@FrogAvalanche

I dug a small hole in the Earth.

I did a handstand.

Im wearing the Earth as a hat.

@mccanncreates

Porky Pig does it.
Winnie the Pooh does it.
Donald Duck does it.
Even Squidward does it.

But when I walk around without pants on it’s, ”Put your hands up, get on the ground, and put your hands behind your back!”

@Reverend_Scott

Cop: Sir…

I know, I know. Why is my dog dri-

Cop: WHY IS YOUR DOG DRIVING

I threw the ball too far during fetch

Cop: Fair enough

@sixfootcandy

No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.

@behindyourback

I took my 5y/o to a protest hoping to get a woke-baby quote from him but instead he said “cool, a yelling party” and then screamed for a bit

@Julian_Deane

With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?

@InternetHippo

Why are ghosts and angels depicted as semi transparent is that what happens when you die they just turn your opacity down

@Love_bug1016

“Better safe than sorry,” I tell myself as I send the 27th text telling him my feelings.