MARINE BIOLOGY PROFESSOR: So an octopus can change its color to mimic its surroundings. When octopi do this it’s called—

ME: An octo-lie.

PROFESSOR: …Metachrosis.



ME: Mocktopus.

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This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.


I dug a small hole in the Earth.

I did a handstand.

Im wearing the Earth as a hat.


Porky Pig does it.
Winnie the Pooh does it.
Donald Duck does it.
Even Squidward does it.

But when I walk around without pants on it’s, ”Put your hands up, get on the ground, and put your hands behind your back!”


Cop: Sir…

I know, I know. Why is my dog dri-


I threw the ball too far during fetch

Cop: Fair enough


No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.


I took my 5y/o to a protest hoping to get a woke-baby quote from him but instead he said “cool, a yelling party” and then screamed for a bit


With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?


Why are ghosts and angels depicted as semi transparent is that what happens when you die they just turn your opacity down


“Better safe than sorry,” I tell myself as I send the 27th text telling him my feelings.