MARINE BIOLOGY PROFESSOR: So an octopus can change its color to mimic its surroundings. When octopi do this it’s called—
ME: An octo-lie.
PROFESSOR: …Metachrosis.
ME:
PROFESSOR:
ME: Mocktopus.
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A coworker just asked if I had any “mouth water” and I am thoroughly confused by this
Some of you are boycotting sex the same way are you are boycotting owning a Maserati.
All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.
{Heaven}
ME: Hey, why didn’t you answer my prayers?
GOD: I did. Every time you said Goddamnit I damned it.
ME: Oh, no, that’s just—it’s like a saying.
GOD: Why would you even…I damned so much stuff!
Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
I share an office thermostat with a middle aged woman. I’m in a t-shirt while she’s rubbing 2 pencils together trying to start a trash fire
So as far as I can tell, the Metaverse is just Animal Crossing but you’re being hunted by Mark Zuckerberg.
I’m not religious until you need help moving on a Sunday.
I put my hair up to wash my face and my son said you look pretty with a messy bun so I straight bought him a car even tho he’s only 11.
“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.
I eat oatmeal in the morning to help my cholesterol. I eat cheese for the rest of the day because I ate oatmeal in the morning.
Customer: oh hey, I almost ran you over in the parking lot lmao
Me: what stopped you
If you add me to a group chat for your MLM without asking, don’t complain when I flood it with photos of Sasquatch and Mothman you didn’t ask for, Brenda.
911: 911
Me: I’m being chased
911: in your car?
Me: no in theirs
911: wh—
Me: how do I turn the sirens on?
People say to enjoy the messes your kids leave, because you’ll miss them when they’re grown and gone.
I like to call those people liars.
How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.
The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.
“You need to take better care of yourself.”
– four physicians that I’ve outlived
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.
Prime ribs are just like regular ribs except they’re only divisible by themselves.
Him: I’m a morning person
Me *scared of werewolves* w…what are you at night??
“Dora” only rhymes with “Explorer” if you’re from Long Island, New York
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because make up phrases
Girlfriend: yes
Me: well the spider didn’t warm the egg for it just to hatch
Girlfriend: I have no idea what you’re talking about
What an awful time to have common sense.
My daughter is too old for Disney channel movies so I obviously need another kid.
A harried Japanese guy is ushering me to the starting blocks of the 400 meter sprint. Please help i dont want this. I am not fast
Me: Man T-Rexes looked so cool
Scientist: Nah actually they looked like giant idiot birds
Me: Oh bummer. They were great hunters tho
Scientist: There’s evidence they were scavengers
Me: Ok maybe just stop ruinin-
Scientist: They wore socks with sandals
Me: *delicately inserting plastic tassels to the ends of my handlebars*
Motorcycle Instructor, shaking his head: only if you brought enough for the whole class
“Thou shall keep swimming” -Nemonians 7:69
*6, wailing, carrying on*
Me: You can be a dramatic little bi…llion stars, strung together, shining brightly.
9, to his sister: That’s not at all what Mom wanted to say.