If you add me to a group chat for your MLM without asking, don’t complain when I flood it with photos of Sasquatch and Mothman you didn’t ask for, Brenda.
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Here’s my thread about the spiders I’ve taken outside
– tonight was Bruce. He was medium sized and fast, but cooperated well 4/5 stars
“Here you go body some nutritious food, how bout some energy?”
Body: “I shall make this into nose hair”
“Get your cup off the table” has a whole other meaning when your a baseball mom.
I have never bought a snack faster on name alone in my life.
Best thing about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re about to make a point so people know it’s about to get real.
Badminton implies the existence of a more sinister sport: Goodusedoff
80% of my day is spent saying “dishwasher” after I hear a kid throw dishes into the sink.
The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 7.
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to speak to the manager.
I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.
[phone w/ son while in bank thats being robbed]
in case this goes bad, go to google on the iPad and delete “can owls fly” before mom sees it
In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:
1) Going on vacation
2) Taking my family
People who get stoned in glass houses should probably wear pants
…or whatever that saying is
Sees Sasquatch’s foot impression in the ground.
Grand Duke: I’d hate to see the creature that’s attached to.
Prince Charming clutching huge glass slipper: crap
Me: *grins* Couldn’t help but notice you checking me out.
Girl: Yeah, I’m a cashier at a grocery store. That’s my job.
My phone just autocorrected “Haha” to “Jaja” so I guess I’m Mexican now.
Wonder Woman is in theaters June 2nd. But if you want a sneak preview, watch Sally Yates’ performance in front of the Senate.
*walks up to cashier with paper towels*
Are these the largest tampons you have?
My 4 year old daughter is in the tub screaming song requests at Alexa like a drunk divorcee
Alway be nice to anyone that has full unhindered access to your toothbrush.
There’s a bird in the yard and she’s shaking her tail feathers in hope of attracting a mate. HE SHOULD LOVE YOU FOR YOUR BRAIN, I yell.
I’ve been walking around with a fish-eating grin ever since I got an emotional support piranha.
I should wash my van
We could use the rain
Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.
I don’t know what’s funnier, the fact that our new broom came with instructions or that my husband is actually reading them
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
me: yes, that number is zero
HIM: [awkwardly] wanna go see a movie?
HER: sure, sounds great.
[next day]
HIM: could i maybe come with you next time?
Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.
Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup