There’s a bird in the yard and she’s shaking her tail feathers in hope of attracting a mate. HE SHOULD LOVE YOU FOR YOUR BRAIN, I yell.
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Is there anything more embarassing than saying you are logging out for awhile only to return ten minutes later? No.
Will that stop me from doing it? Also no.
Just ate potatoes so good I finally understand the centuries of warfare between England and Ireland. The English wanted their potatoes.
By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.
When Dorothy told the scarecrow she’d miss him most, I wanted the lion and tin man to set him on fire. I told my parents that, in case they got any ideas about showing favoritism.
When I get sad, I just think about the vast Universe and the fact that I’m stuck on this rock with a bunch of idiots. Then I get sadder.
I hope whoever came up with the spelling for Wednesday was pudnished for their actions.
ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside
BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot
If they tweet about you, establish dominance by retweeting them.
Me: I can’t carry this heavy suitcase.
Him: I’ve seen you carry in a dozen bags of groceries at once.
Me: That’s different, that’s food.
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It’s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
*runs into the back of wife’s leg with the grocery cart for the 5th time*
me: We meet agai-
wife: Go wait in the car
me: Ok
[Starbucks]
What can I get you?I’ll have a large coffee, black
“You don’t have to say black”
I’ll have a large coffee, African American
Has anyone seen my jacket? It’s white with sleeves that make you hug yourself and a cute belt.
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
Twitter taught me that:
1) Tweets don’t always have to make sense
2) People sure do love to answer rhetorical questions
Friend: *sees my new tattoo of dogs kissing* Whoa! Is that permanent?!
Me: Yup.
Friend: Wow. What’s it mean?
Me: It means I can’t remove it.
How you can tell a writer has no siblings:
“Hey, little bro / little sis.“
How you can tell a writer has siblings:
“Hey, loser. Mom called.”
My ear is bleeding because I tried to shave it. Now I have to create some elaborate lie to tell ppl how I cut my ear.
True?
Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?
Cop: License?
Me: Here.
Cop: Sir this is a notecard with “Liscence” on it. And above that you wrote and crossed out “Lysense” and “Lisance.”
Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.
I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.
I choose which country to root for in the Olympics by what cuisine I’m hungry for at the moment. Go Italy! #gnocchi2014
Lockdown upside: I have learned how to operate the 17 remote controls for the tv.
Waffles make excellent pill organizers
RELATIONSHIPS: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job
Ruin a perfectly nice trip out with your child by bringing your child.