young jesus: mom where do babies come from
joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?
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My 3yo, who has to have everything read aloud to him, opened a fortune cookie tonight that said, “The path to success lies in taking a bath without fussing or throwing water out of the tub and getting out nicely with no crying.” what are the ODDS
My toddler took a sip of my margarita and made an adorable pucker-face. She went back for a 2nd sip and giggled. After sips 3 & 4 she called her daycare friends to say she missed them. Things got ugly with sip 5 when she started blaming her stuffed animals for society’s problems.
NOBODY:
AMERICAN: *deep fries a hippo*
website: do you accept cookies?
me: into my heart as my Lord and savior
*Frantically checks the time*
OMG I THINK I’M LATE oh wait that was yesterday
People who eat hotdogs from a gas station, you know there’s faster ways to commit suicide?
Me: Look, it’s malfunctioning. You’ll have to trust me on this.
Tech support: Ma’am, this is a kid.
My bank statement is just a record of everything I’ve eaten for the last month.
I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.
A haunted house but it’s just your cubicle and your boss is inviting you to a team building exercise.
If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash
Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.
How do I even know this guy is my “boss”. I’ve just been taking his word for it
Tilda Swinton is the last person on Earth, having solely survived the apocalypse. A tumbleweed rolls by. She picks it up and eats it. ‘Delicious,’ she says, as she gets down on all fours then gallops into the night.
I accidentally bought the “Extra Long Super Pads with Wings” this month and I think that’s why I have dry eyes.
I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.
*coworker walks into bathroom, triggering the motion sensor that turns the lights on*
ME: [from one of the stalls] Welcome.
girlfriend: I’m seeing someone behind your back
me: *believes in ghosts* is it my grandpa
I sleep with my clothes on and one eye open. Not because I’m scared, but my zipper is broken and I’ve had too much botox on one side.
DOCTOR: Yes, stripping to the waist is necessary for this check-up
ME: uh ok. Should I do it too?
DOCTOR [flexing biceps] yeah if you want
2021 is the perfect year to test out my new response to any awkward family Thanksgiving topics: “I don’t wanna talk about ______, I wanna talk about Taylor Swift..”
I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too
79.
when my sister was like 5 she wrote a note to the easter bunny that said “happy easter are you a boy or a girl” and my mom left a typed note that said “sorry i can’t read i’m just a bunny”
Ian: “I baked you a pie to say sorry for backing over your cat in my car.”
Tim: “You did what?!”
Ian: “Baked you a pie.”
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You love me?
Cop:
Me:
Cop:
Me: Is it because I’m driving a lawnmower?
Cop: Yes.
Me: *floors it*
Get out, RUN! That DM was coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE
There’s always someone who says “must be nice” when they hear a coworker is off from work and like…my guy, you know you can take days off too right?
Why would anyone ever jump OUT of a cake?