My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
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*Struts like a peacock*
I’ll have you know I made it through the meeting without falling asleep
Cw – it was 10 minutes long!
Me – my record, Write it down mister party pooper
Twitter can teach you a lot of lessons. Grammar is not one of them.
I can claim not to have a best-loved child but one of my kids just said his first favorite thing is cleaning and his second favorite is reading so you know I am lying if I deny it
I’m at that stage in life where my bladder is at its weakest and my phobia of public toilets is at its strongest.
i lost so much hair in the shower i thought Chewbacca had joined me
ME: (doing stand up)
GUY IN CROWD: BOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 2: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 3: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 4: what the-
GUY 5: he’s just eating those like Pac-Man
ed has no gf cuz sheran away
CarefulWhere’s your shoesPlease stop cryingMaybe eat somethingYou dropped the bottle- things you say to babies & drunks.
Job Counselor: now that you’ve flunked dental school, what’s your plan?
Tooth Fairy: *shrugs* idk, buy em I guess
Her: are you single?
[flashback to 2011 where I tried to kiss a girl but she turned away and I kissed her cheek]
Me: haha idk
“Thunder only happens when it’s raining. And players only love you when they’re playing.”
I wish more songs would combine weather facts with relationship advice.
“Earth’s highest recorded temperature is 56 degrees. And women like a man who has a lot of DVDs.”
Cop: license and registration
Me: that won’t be necessary officer
*places a glazed donut in his pocket
If Billy Joel rewrote “We Didn’t Start The Fire” about 2020, it would be a 37 hour long song.
“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”
A dating app for people who are shy called Mumble
Friend: Why do you smell like bleach?
Me: I dribbled Sprite down my cleavage and I used a Clorox wipe to get it out.
Sexy huh?Mr. Clean: oooo baby yes
The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.
“I know she told me to buy Tampax, but I’ll buy the store brand that’s on sale instead.”
The last thoughts of a man who’s about to die.
Endless love does not extend to my root beer float. That second straw is decorative.
You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this
The hardest part of life in the 1990s was having to scream “Hey, Macarena!” every forty seconds for the entire decade.
What part of watching dogs on skateboard makes YouTube ads think I’m in any position to buy the brand new Lexus?
replaced my gf’s couch with a trampoline and man she hit the roof
[in heaven after crucifixion]
jesus: “they were horrible dad, im pleased im not going back there”
god: [rubbing his neck] “see the thing is”
Smart of them to call it cookies I mean who’s gonna decline cookies? If they’d said this site uses snakes people would be like aw hell naw
canadians wear auxe boudy sprauy
Every time you block report some porn bot for spam, I lose another follower.
You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.
They say “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” so if I offer you a piggyback ride just know we have beef
Me: You touched my heart.
Cardiologist: You’re not supposed to be awake, but thanks. LOL