Friend: Why do you smell like bleach?
Me: I dribbled Sprite down my cleavage and I used a Clorox wipe to get it out.
Sexy huh?Mr. Clean: oooo baby yes
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All goalies should wear gorilla suits in the playoffs
Not tryin’ to brag, but my sex life is like a dormant volcano. It was fiery, but now it’s inactive. Also, I killed a bunch of villagers.
jane austen understood that nothing is sexier than standing seven feet away from someone, making brief eye contact, and then going home
Them: We don’t know enough to panic.
My Anxiety: Amateur!
You’re an open book?
“Throws you into a bonfire.”
I forgot the term “kidney stones” so I called them pee pebbles.
[i arrive in hell]
Satan: welcome
Me: thanks what’s with the fork lol
Satan: it’s a pitchfork shut up
Me: ooo i’m so scared what are u gonna do eat a big salad lmao
Satan:
Me:
Satan:
[i arrive in super hell]
Sometimes when I’m about to sneeze, I snort some glitter. Then when I finally sneeze, glitter fills the air and people think I’m a wizard.
I want to work in a Morgue, because if no one comes to claim the bodies, hey, free bodies.
me: [tries to spend time with kids. They don’t want to]
[Bed time]
Kids: I wanna do something with you! You don’t spend time with us!!
Assassins are just murderers who found a way to make money off their favorite hobby.
I should be able to preheat my bed like an oven
If you ever see a get rich quick scheme, that’s someone else trying to get rich quick off you.
Good cop: We know it was you. Just confess.
Murderer: I didn’t do nothin’
Breaks the fourth wall cop: Your name in this tweet is Murderer.
Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!
*checks the date*
It’s 15 years younger than me.
The fact that no one on House Hunters has ever looked at a bathroom and said “I can picture myself taking a dump in here” is a tragically missed opportunity
Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over
“By the way, actions don’t speak!” — Words.
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.
*I throw my hat into the ring*
Oh you wanna fight do ya?
*I throw my pants into the ring*
Pal this is gettin’ weird
*I throw my skin into th
If you get an email at work from my cat with an attachment delete it
If Bear Grylls married Chuck E. Cheese they would be the Grylls-Cheese family.
[someone is nice to me]
*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*
british people are always saying fucked up shit like “i grew up in Poppington Square but moved to King’s Jangly before settling in Elephant-Upon-Strighton.”
I had my year-end evaluation and it went like “You have great substantive legal skills, but you don’t come into the office enough and you don’t attend social events and you don’t regularly answer emails on weekends.” Yes, precisely.
Calling someone a drama queen is so negative. Why not “content creator”?
TAYLOR SWIFT: Yes, I’d love to go out with you!
ME: Sweet. *imagining being immortalized in a Top 40 hit song*
The baby of our family starts school next week. When he was 4 years old in Pre-K he had 6 older siblings in the same school. He is now the last one standing, entering high school. I asked if he was nervous and he said, “It’s taken a decade but I’m finally my own man.”
He’s 14.
I tried some Dirty Dancing in a neighbour’s herb garden. I had the thyme of my life.