ME: (doing stand up)
GUY IN CROWD: BOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 2: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 3: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 4: what the-
GUY 5: he’s just eating those like Pac-Man
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My 10 y/o likes pineapple “as long as it’s not the pineapple kind of pineapple.” We’ve entered a new front in her War Against Fruit.
Grocery store bagger: need help out to your car?
me: *gets in the cart* yes.
Told my 11 and 8 next time I take their electronics away I’d also be responding to all texts they receive.They’ve been well behaved since.
Don’t mistake my habit to look down, as modesty.I have a long history of tripping on the most ridiculous things
[in the world of chess]
kings: here’s a sword
bishop: what do i do with this? i can’t even run straight
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
There are few situations in life which have to be resolved with violence for example-
Mosquito on your ex’s cheek.
GOD: it’s time I punished the humans again
JESUS: cool. flood or plague?
GOD:[watching The Apprentice] oh I’ve something way worse in mind..
I respect women so much I don’t even talk to them
Daughter: Daddy, I want to reach out and touch a star
Me: Yeah, well, that would incinerate the both of us instantly so I don’t think so
Have you tried sticking your head in a bag of rice?
-me, as a therapist
HR Manager: Some of your coworkers think you’re mean and vengeful
Me: They are going to pay for saying that
You know that confused look old people get when looking at new technology?
I’m like that, but with salad.
Hypnotist: you’re getting very sleepy
Me, at any hour of the day: how did you know?
OnlyAcquaintances: you pay me $5 a month so i can message you “hey lets get coffee soon!” and we never get coffee
Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics
Can someone just invent a mirror that takes pictures already!
if I’m wearing a suit you better be dead or getting married
Yeah, I know what my neighbors wear to bed. Not because I look in their windows; I just see them during the day at Walmart.
waiter: our special is only $7.99
mechanic: i’m a mechanic.
[seconds later]
waiter: my guys in the back’re telling me the special’s actually going to be about $235 and some change.
mechanic: that’s too much.
waiter: *sucks air through teeth* they’ve already started on it.
[baby taking first step]
ME: OMG! He’s doing it!
BABY: My name is Steve and I’m an alcoholic
Son, your insistence on dismembering all of your siblings is tearing this family apart!
Raccoons wearing tiny little glasses, digging through trash and carefully reading nutritional information of any food items they find.
11-year-old: We had a standardized test all morning.
Me: What was it testing?
11: My patience.
*paints car camouflage*
*stops making payments*
My son has decided he loves avocado toast and now I have to get a second job.
Right now, someone likes something you don’t and other people are agreeing. You just gonna sit there and let that happen?
I overheard my neighbor say, “she has SO MANY pigeons in her yard,” but I couldn’t tell if she was impressed or concerned.
This 4th of July, please remember…
[invention of fish net stockings]
fisherman 1: Help! I got caught in the fish net!
fisherman 2: is it just me or is dave looking a little … hot?
fisherman 3: no dave is definitely being hot rn