Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
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Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?
I’d wager that @RudyGiuliani will not spend a moment in an actual courtroom in front of a judge. He will go around media outlets like Fox or OAN saying he has the evidence but will never present anything in an actual court of law.
Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.
My kid’s favorite thing to dip in ketchup is her sleeve.
Date: *reading menu* anything pop out at you?
Me: I don’t think it’s that kind of book
Not sure why some white people use black slang when they have phrases like, “newsflash pal”
You think if you die with a yeast infection, you’ll rise from the dead?
Mario! Are you coming to save me from Bowser’s Castle?
PEACH I MIGHT BE
[being stopped by the cops]
Me: if they ask about a missing dolphin just play it cool
My new best friend: *clicky noises*
Me: okay okay *i toss him a fish to keep him quiet*
Before pulled pork, pork just used to stand on the edge of the dance-floor, nodding to the music and looking cool.
I’ve had a lot of frank conversations with my daughters about the perils of growing up, drugs and boys and strangers and whatnot, but the one lesson I hope that sticks above all others is how they must be very, very careful about what they do to their eyebrows.
*packs 12 books to read on vacation*
im gona read so much i cant wait
[1 wk later]
*opens suitcase*
*somhow has 16 unread books now*
wat the
Him: I love you to the moon.
Me: And back?
Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.
It always starts out “you’re so funny” and ends with “oh dear… oh my god… wtf”
i could never sleep with a man named dunstin. that’s a monkey’s name.
If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.
children: Are those Giant spiders going to eat us?
Dumbledore: Check out this toast that butters itself!
Virgo: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
Email from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Voicemail from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Text from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Receptionist from the dental office in my kitchen during breakfast on Friday: You have an appt today at 2 pm
Pot warmers of the day.
We should be able take jets and tanks and stuff whenever we want, we paid for them
My husband says he doesn’t know when it became his job to make the coffee.
I don’t know when it became his job either, but I’m glad he agrees it’s his job.
The moon is in my awful neighbor’s backyard. Girl, he’s the worst. What are you doing?
Any weekend is a Vampire Weekend if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror afterwards.
WAITER: so did you enjoy your meal this evening?
GF: I DID, until some IDIOT ruined it with his food puns
ME: I cannoli assume she means you
This is true.
This is just a quick reminder that we’re all gonna die one day so don’t get caught up in petty shit also stop stealing my tweets Greg.
My therapist: You cannot be in gratitude and have resentment at the same time.
Me: OK I am grateful for this list of my enemies. It helps me to resent them in a very organized way.
Saw your ex at the shops
[dumping my father-in-law’s ashes into the trash bin]
wife: I should have been the one to do it
me: just tell him to quit smoking in our house