i could never sleep with a man named dunstin. that’s a monkey’s name.
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I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.
Doctor: Can you stick to a clear liquid diet for a few days?
Me: Sure! Vodka is a clear liquid.
killing the conversation in the discord by posting a picture of me eating an eggplant like an apple
me (under my breath): don’t let her know how awkward you are
date: what are you having
me: an ok time
My neighbor was all like sorry I can’t stop to chat I’m running late. And I was all like it’s my lucky day. And she was like what. And I was all like have a great day!
Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long
One night in college, my roommate got super drunk pretty quickly and ended up getting sick. We handed her a trashcan, with trash already in it. She puked a few times and started crying, and then looked in the can and yelled, OMG I THREW UP A FORK?!
We’ve all heard the peanut butter debate, but what about mayo? Smooth or Crunchy?
Him: I’m sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker
Me: wow
My sock puppet: WOW
My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.
History fun fact:
In the Middle Ages, anyone could get a concealed carry permit. You never knew who might have a trebuchet tucked under their coat or a siege tower in their pants. Dangerous times.
Confidence is sexy. Arrogance is not.
her: so we could have sex
me: 🙁
her: or we could do the complex fight choreography you came up with
me: 🙂
her: [sigh] i’ll get the katanas
*bursts into starbucks*
Me: DO YOU GUYS HAVE A POWER OUTLET
Barista: yeah over there
Me: oh thank god
*plugs in a mechanical bull*
found out about a magic tournement where a guy on shrooms won the whole thing and can’t get over this pic they took of the top 8
They say you’ll never forget your first kiss, but what they don’t tell you is you will also never forget the first time you throw up everything you consumed at the state fair.
Ways to know a guy at the bar wants to take you home:
1. He talks to you.
2. He buys you a drink.
3. That drink makes you REALLY sleepy.
The police have asked me to stop sending them cryptic taunting messages until I’ve actually committed a crime
I always yell “FORE” when I’m throwing golf clubs out of my car at joggers.
the only way to save the bees is by beeing fiscally responsible. don’t spend the bees faster than you earn them. start a bee savings account. set yourself a bee budget
Like grandpa always said, ‘If you kids don’t stop retweeting yourself, you’ll go blind.’
Leaning over with an open bag of skittles in your shirt pocket: a tragedy in one act
Don’t pretend like your cat wouldn’t 100% microwave fish if they had half a chance.
Me: You’ll never take me alive.
Executioner: Yeah that wouldn’t make sense.
My 12 year old’s response to solicitors calling her is to call them back and act like she’s trying to sell them whatever they were trying to sell to her
My biology teacher asked what the function of carbohydrates were, but apparently “filling the deep well of sadness inside of me” was incorrect.
think about this. if u put a banana down u have to put it on its side. but if u slice it and put those slices flat they r actually standing up. this is why i don’t trust bananas. they r never as they seem
If you drop your pants for a “surprise checkup” and hear your doctor’s belt buckle hit the floor, you should probably head for the hills
Today, I shall mostly be singing “Baby Shark” on loop to the wife to see how long it takes for her to stab me*.
*It’s 17 seconds
Kids are fun cause they tell you sweet things like mom you should bedazzle that pimple.