Kids are fun cause they tell you sweet things like mom you should bedazzle that pimple.
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Coward (adv.): in the direction of the cows
Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.
boss: you know what’s weird
me: how the flintsones celebrate Christmas even tho they live in 10,000 b.c?
boss: how the flin— yes exactly
PRIEST: do you have the ring
ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd
Guys I have to work a total of like 18 hours today. Someone hold me. Under water.
My dad shouted “shut up idiots” to the cats.
I told him “You’re speaking English to a cat. You’re the idiot. You have to meow at them.”
I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.
Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.
I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.
[two female cops come to arrest me but I am hiding in the men’s bathroom]
Haha
“What do we do?”
I once banged the Michelin Man…it was tiresome
Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?
7 raccoons on Zoom:
Is he dead?
Is he dead?
Is she dead?
Is HE dead?
What about him?
Is SHE dead?
-My kids watching 80s music videos.
If I’m grilling and I can see you grilling, we will engage in a ceremonial tong click and bow.
i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me
Man goes to a Doctor.
“Every time I attempt to pass water it hurts”
“Does it burn?”
“I don’t know, I’ve never tried to set fire to it”
Do you have to go to the bathroom?
No
You sure?
Yes
How about now?
No
Now?
No
[movie begins]
Daddy?
FOR CRYING OUT LOUD
You had ONE job!
– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.
friend: *struggling to open beer* i need a bottle opener
me: here, give me your lighter
friend: ok
me: *lights cigarette and takes a long drag* yeah you’re gonna need a bottle opener
I don’t hate my job. I just really enjoy curling up in a ball and sobbing under a blanket in the backseat of my car during lunch.
Her: What do you look for in a relationship?
Me: A way out.
Baby carrots imply the existence of carrot sex, and now I’m never looking into the crisper drawer again.
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?
it’s the silliest best thing
Just finished filming my new movie, “Death on the Sidewalk.” I shot it with my car’s back-up camera.
[Assembling scratching post to save the new sofa]
My cat: lol no
Casting agent: If we hire you at SNL what would you like to accomplish?
Me: Staying up past 10:00.
A safe deposit box full of whoopee cushions and rubber chickens may not appreciate in value but it may provide a much needed moment of levity during a really tense bank robbery.
Me: *looks away for 5 seconds*
Toddler: *crashes the stock market*
“Have a seat”
*Turns on video of son eating pizza with a fork and knife.*
“Dad I…” **Dad puts up hand* “Please don’t call me that.”