Kids are fun cause they tell you sweet things like mom you should bedazzle that pimple.
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As a teen, I always imagined being an adult and saying things to my kids like, “Shut up, Beavis,” or “Stimpy, you idiot!”
But I can’t.
Not because I’m a good mom, but because they wouldn’t get the reference. And that really hurts.
[going to the gym for the first time ever] Forgive me trainer for I have sinned, it has been 37 years since I’ve worked out
What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?
I’ll go first: I went to college.
Therapist: You’ve created a backstory for your cat?
Me: It’s Miss Meowerton.
T:
Me: Of the Virginia Meowertons?
Ancestors came over on the Meowflower. Landed at Plymeowth Rock…Therapist: I’m writing you a prescription.
DATE [annoyed] in your profile, it said u had amazing abs
ME [slams car to a stop] Amy it’s the best anti-lock braking system I’ve ever had
old lady: that’s not necessary
me: [installing twitter on her phone] look lady i carried your bags, the least u can do is follow me online
Just saw an ad for a local psychic fair. I’m not planning to go, but I guess they already know that
Me: Let’s role play. You be a jogger out for a run, & I’ll be the body you stumble across.
Him: So you’re planning on just laying there, like always.
*Santa lifts a rug while sweeping and finds a dusty, crumpled note*
“Please keep my family safe, love Bruce Wayne.”
*Santa grows very pale*
Let’s be honest Jurassic Park is about capitalistic hubris not science gone wrong. The science went gloriously right
Saw a sign that read “Free Coupons”.
What I want to know is what kind of terrorist would hold coupons captive in the first place?
Me: Where the hell are you going with those balloons?
4yr: I need to wee!
Me: With balloons?!
4yr: Its so much fun to wee with balloons
Sorry folks, Twitter’s broken. Moose out front should have told you.
*walks into a nuclear power plant
Do you serve fission chips?
I’ll see myself out..
My child who doesn’t like pickles: *sees me eating a pickle* can I have a pickle?
I buy mixed berries because I like them, but really I enjoy eating blackberries with raspberries, and imagining that I’m eating the world’s tiniest chess board.
Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is the most whimsical film about the systematic murder of children that I have ever seen.
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
The spaghetti scene in Lady and the Tramp is adorable, but it would never work with humans. Nobody wants to see two dogs sharing a plate of humans.
I swear I am going to sit in the parking lot and slam a bag of beef jerky before my dental hygienist appointment.
Make her earn every dollar of that teeth cleaning.
(1st day in heaven)
Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF
My cat that died 3 years ago got a letter saying she needs to register if she wants to vote, showing how well Florida handles elections.
Dad: You can count cards?! I’m going to be rich!
[Casino]
Me: *Whispering* there are 52 cards
Two rotisserie chickens.
One for chicken noodle soup and the other as a backup for when you eat the one you wanted to put into the soup.
I don’t always go the extra mile
But when I do…
It’s because I missed my exit.
4yo: mom the whistle makes my brain hurt
me: same
4yo: *blows whistle again*
I’m just a girl reading the news in KYIV like “Kentucky four.”
This a good idea
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Sip of coffee for me, sip of coffee for my shirt.
This year is like when you accidentally touch wet cat food.