I’m just a girl reading the news in KYIV like “Kentucky four.”
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*watches a movie with you*
*loudly beeps during all the good parts*
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re extremely critical
me: so they’re awake, that’s good
Jeff Bezos inches closer to becoming Pitbull
It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.
Treadmill salesman: This one has 12 incline levels and can maintain speeds of up to 15 miles per hour.
Me: (dumps two loads of laundry on top) I’ll take it.
Welcome to adulthood. The weekend is your only time to catch up on everything but also your only time to do absolutely nothing.
What is this special type of waffle called a “Tennis racket” and why does it taste like metal wires?
Ritually cleansing* the new house
*taking down the previous owner’s live laugh love decals
Always remember –
If you’re having a conversation with somebody that doesn’t speak English, just talk louder.
the moral of the Phantom of the Opera is that sometimes there’s this weird guy who is impossible to deal with
Any walk can be a walk-of-shame when you’re an adult wearing Crocs™
I knew I had succeeded as a life coach when they called me needing to be bailed out of jail.
(pretending to be well-read to impress a girl)
War and Peace? Yeah I loved that one
“What was your favorite part?”
I’d have to say the Peace
My husband says I’m selfish, so yesterday when it snowed I let him have the shovel all to himself
I asked my wife why she was pissed at me and she said “YOU KNOW WHY” and now I’m just keeping my mouth shut until I can narrow it down
ok children, just to recap today’s lesson, let’s now repeat all the words you are not supposed to say.
I am not lying, autocorrect just tried to change “first” to Furstenberg like wtf when I have ever texted Furstenberg?!?
*watching James Blunt mouth “not you” to me after singing You’re Beautiful in concert*
For my next trick, I’ll be at a bar then magically reappear face down on my bedroom floor without a clue how I got there.
*Dressing up like a School Lice Outbreak Notice for Halloween*
My husband just spent 10 minutes looking for a baseball hat that was on his head. I would have said something, except where’s the fun in that?
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
I’m thinking about starting a car service for dogs called the Scooby D’uber
I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.
I was wondering how lightning worked, then it struck me.
Kid, texting: MOM I’M HUNGRY!
Mom: *sends food emojis*
My husband is mad at my broken toe for not healing faster because he has to take over homeschooling and it’s “absolutely draining”. He’s been at it for 32 minutes.
Me to Kids: …and so the princess married the first person who asked her, and that’s called ‘settling,’ can you say ‘never settle,’ children?
Husband, walking in: What the- what kind of bedtime story is THAT?
Me, fleeing room: And they all lived happilyeveraftergoodnight!
If you ever lose your dog just open up a bag of chips.
My new favorite headline