a store that sells jeans and khakis should be called a pantry
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[Stranded after plane crash]
ME: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstGUY: But why, pacifically?
ME: Ok I’ve made my choice
Wife: Did u load the dishw-
Me: [slowly turning into a dog]
Wife: you can’t just animorph your way out of every argu–aww who’s a good boy?!
[inventing the grinch] santa needs a wario
Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.
me, last week when it was dark in evenings: what is the point of anything
me a week later now there is light: I am so happy to be alive so I can eat fresh mango
911: what’s your emergency?
me: there’s a really loud fight next door
911: we’ll send a narcissist with anger issues and a gun
me: omg thank you
“We’re all in this together” used to sound comforting — until I realized it means I’m relying on a lot of stupid Americans to stay alive.
Some of my co-workers want to go hang out tonight. Trying to figure how to fake my death and still make it into work tomorrow.
date: I like to try new foods
me: then you’re gonna love this place *motioning to waiter* NEWER CHIPS AND SALSA, GOOD SIR
Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school?
Me: no
Therapist: no come on, they must have
Walking around Houston airport taking iPads from unattended kids. I have 4 so far.
It shakes the bottle vigorously or else it gets the pre-ketchup.
Go ahead, make fun of my cargo shorts
But we’ll see who’s laughing when you need a corkscrew, life raft, pillow or an extra tuna sandwich.
At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music
Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”
If the hand soap isn’t for drinking why do they put a straw in the bottle?
My husband bought lemon-flavored potato chips. Long story short, he’s sleeping in the RV.
“We are going to Taiwan”
Juan: No, please don’t!
Dominos sent me an email while I was in the frozen pizza section. Trust issues much? I’ll call you later, relax.
Me: I wonder what the wicked witch’s name is.
7: Ding Dong.
Me: What?
7: The song says, Ding Dong the Witch is dead.
Me: Oh. My. God. 😂
America: OH MY GOD. Some guy got shot in Ferguson.
World: We’re kinda busy with the 191,000 deaths from the Syrian Civil War
Normal person: I’m in a bad mood.
LA Person: It’s like, uh. Do you— there’s like a weird energy out there today, right?
How many apples a day does it take to keep everybody else away
i just ate a disturbing amount of hummus. my apologies to my dog.
I only treason on days ending in y
4yo: can you get this open for me?
Me: oomph this is kinda tough
4yo: use your claws
Look, Facebook, I don’t care that someone has “added to their story” unless they’re posting from the trunk of a car.
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
Doctor: I have good news and bad news
Me: What’s the good news?
Doctor: The good news is you’re alive. The bad news is you’re going to have to diet and exercise to stay that way