@ArfMeasures

[Stranded after plane crash]
ME: We need to choose which one of us to eat first

GUY: But why, pacifically?

ME: Ok I’ve made my choice

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@Amanisnotadoor

What if bananas turn black and bruised because they run their own fight club when we’re not around?

@see_more13

At the store & asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around & looked them in the eyes and said, “Make it 52”

@kentgrossarth

Sign: “No alcohol past this point.”

Translation: Bet you can’t chug this entire beer, right now.

@TheAlexNevil

Me: I’d like the chocolate soufflé
Waiter: It takes 45 minutes to prepare
M (right in her face): Then why are you still talking to me?

@ktmcburr

“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.

@IGotsSmarts

I wondered why everyone said I had “bed hair”, until I looked in the mirror and noticed a tiny mattress on top of my head.

@garrydavenport

My local cinema was broken into last night and goods worth £15,000 stolen: a packet of popcorn and a medium Coke.

@LorieGZ

My husband thinks The Bachelor show is fake, they’re all there to be actors, and that it’s total bullshit.

Then he turned to wrestling.

@jonnysun

last christmas
i saved me some plums
the very next day
you ate them anyway

next year
to save me from tears
i’ll eat all my plums for dinner