[Stranded after plane crash]
ME: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstGUY: But why, pacifically?
ME: Ok I’ve made my choice
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A big part of my wife’s cardio routine is rolling away from me in bed.
Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes
John: There are places…
Paul: I remember
George: All my life, though…
Ringo: How can antibiotics and pro-biotics both be good for you
After my husband explained in detail what he does for work, my 6-year-old asked if he has fun at work so clearly he was not listening to a single thing my husband said.
You know you’re watching Star Wars with Catholics when every time you hear “May the Force be with you,” you hear, “And also with you.”
Honestly, guys. I’ve got a fox stuck in my washing machine. WHAT THE ACTUAL FOX
BRAKING NEWS!!
A lady told me that Autism is punishment for the sins of the parent.
That is the story of me punching a lady in a church parking lot.
My morning commute was hectic today. I tripped over a dog toy and almost spilled my coffee. I made it to the couch safely though.
I tried to convince some McDonald’s workers to do the Harlem Shake but they said the machine was broken
There were kids who did cartwheels.
There were kids who didn’t do cartwheels.
There were kids who thought they were doing cartwheels.
“No one told me we were picking weapons today. What’s left?”
– Donatello
me and who
comedian: everyone has that one friend who…
me: let me stop you right there
Our youngest is making herself a smoothie so long story short does anyone know how to clean blueberries off your ceiling?
My 4 year olds are looking in the mirror and trying to catch their reflections making a mistake.
thought I was all good when my doctor said i was healthy as a horse; turns out he was referring to one specific horse, ‘Sick Matthew’
Apparently the maximum number of times you can keep getting back in line for Communion wafers is 4.
Finally got around to emptying vegetable drawer of the fridge before something started its independence movement in there.
It’s 2024 and we have Batman shampoo but STILL no Conditioner Gordon.
my only crime was caring too much. caring too much about fire
Every time someone says, “at least it’s a dry heat,” I want to stab them with a box cutter.
*at least it’s a short knife.
never staying in an air bnb again. this couple from colorado is taking me to small claims court because i accidentally opened a portal to hell in their basement
“Please pre-register for your doctor appointment online, so we can ask you the same 57 questions when you get here.”
3 y/o, sobbing : I’VE JUST SWALLOWED MY SUPERMAN TOY!
Me: Ok calm down. I know exactly what you’ve got to do.
3 y/o: what?
Me: You’ve got to search for the hero inside yourself.
doctor: this may hurt
me: june doesn’t look much better
superman accidentally arriving a thousand years too early
man: is that a bird?
No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.
Learn to accept others as they are, instead of trying to make another stupid you, out of them.