“Give a man a fish. Don’t ask why just do it.”
— if your boss wrote proverbs
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Donald Trump was born when someone put a pinkie ring in a bag of Cheetos and left it in a lightning storm.
Women on twitter tell me my beard is hot
Women in real life tell me where I can find food and shelter .
Wife: Have you seen my curling iron?
Me: …umm, are you talking about the hotdog bun warmer?
Wife: …
Me: No, I have not seen it.
Want to know the secret to looking young? Pick up a bottle of sunblock, and put it on 20 years ago.
bank robber: everyone on the ground and drop whatever is in your hands!!
me: [holding a $9 Starbucks coffee, a tear rolls down my cheek] no
When the Olympics finally introduces the event “Dropping your phone and very nearly catching it but not quite” then you’ll all see me shine.
Be romantic. Send her a dozen of red flags 🤨
fr
Rocket scientist: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Brad Pitt: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Guy who has a car: I’m gonna try my luck
The weather is turning so I’ve swapped out my daughter’s summer outfits for cooler-weather clothes and my son’s shorts for his other shorts.
Schröedinger: And so it is impossible to determine whether the cat is alive or dead
Possum: *yelling from the back of the room* AMATEUR
Sometimes in life, a bump in the road can alter your course in a new & positive direction!*
*It could also be a raccoon, or a dead jogger.
Jack Black is trending? Hey if it’s 1998 again maybe I can fix some mistakes
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
Text your dad “egg salad sandwich” four times in one day. He’ll probably think his phone is broken.
Hey Facebook…Meta sounds like the name of Elon Musk’s next girlfriend.
the three bears:
Goldilocks: your house is a total disgrace it’s like you gave no consideration to what I, the trespasser, might like
One of my favourite places to find a giggle @funTweeters timeline ☺
Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you
Me: And I would do anything for love.
Her: Put your phone down.
Me: But I won’t do that.
Her: You said anything.
Me: No I won’t do that.
I sexually identify as that one flickering letter on the neon motel sign.
If you want to keep your kids out of your phone, you have to think of a creative password they will never ever guess, like your birthday.
Me: I’m exhausted, going to sleep so good tonight
My brain at 3 AM: when Dora loses her map what does she use to find it?
Why pink camo? Do people hunt barbie jeeps or try to sneak up on pepto bismol?
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i never listen to u
HER: yes
ME: k see u tonight
How can I get invited to one of these knife fights everyone keeps talking about? Can we do it over zoom
89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.
{during sex}
Her: are you eating a taco?
Me: *wiping taco shell crumbs off her back* what?
Joseph: 3 minutes BC
Mary: Aaarghhhhhh
Joseph: 2 minutes BC
Mary: STOP DOING THAAARGGHHH THE BABY’S COMING!
Joseph: 1 minute BC
Mary: JESUS CHRIST
My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.