LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.
L-O-L!
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ME: *Donates my body to science*
SCIENCE: Oooh, we… we don’t want that.
My former boss’s wife posted a photo of their youngest child on Facebook and I commented, “you’re right, he does look just like me!”
And now we wait…
There’s so much spilled soda, popcorn and candy in here my feet are sticking to the floor. I’d complain to the management except this is my apartment.
“You looked stressed”
Me: “Thanks, it’s probably all the stress”
People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.
Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.
[velociraptor sneaks up on me as I aim my gun]
me: clever girl
velociraptor: what
me: …clever girl
velociraptor: I’m 26
me: sorry I-
velociraptor: looks like I’m not the only dinosaur here
Show someone you hate them by buying them an Edible Arrangement.
Woke up to find my cat and Nicolas Cage in my living room with a stolen Declaration of Independence, lemon juice, and a blow dryer.
It only took me 9 days to break all my New Year’s resolutions. 3 more days than last year. That’s progress!
What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.
HER: Hi, I’m your real estate agent.
ME: It’s okay, I can tell when someone is imaginary, you can just say “estate agent”.
Fun prank: Tweet “Brb gonna pet the tigers in the zoo” and then don’t tweet for nine years.
A man reading a thesaurus saunters into a tavern.
[At job interview]
Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job.
Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.
What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?
So I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
I love when the parent in a movie says goodnight and the kid actually goes to bed for the rest of the night. I laugh, I cry, I roll my eyes
Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.
How to make emails sound livid:
“As discussed”
“I thought we agreed”
“Regards”
“Thanks”
“I was under the impression”
“FYI”
“As per my email”
“With respect”
“Friendly reminder”
“Polite note”
“I was disappointed to…”
“Whilst I appreciate…”
“As I’m sure you’re aware”
ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.
Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.
straight people: gay marriage is an embarrassment to marriage!
also straight people:
Gramps’ head was chopped off by a helicopter blade and same with his dad and his dad before him. So no Rod, you can’t go to helicopter camp.
Did my parents think they could just blindly support my choice to wear Capri pants at age 13 without there being any consequences?
I’m the hottest thing these people at the cataract surgery center have ever seen.
My haters can’t stand that instead of a sink I just have a drawer full of water
Sure, Michelle Obama said those words first but Melania Trump had the imagination to say them like an operative in a cold war spy thriller.
*me, flirting*
Me: Hello.
Her: Nice to meet you.
Me: You don’t even really know that.
Her: It’s an expression.
Me: It’s rather presumptuous.
Her: You know what, I’m sorry I met you.
Me: See what I mean?
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose. Other symptoms of his alcoholism included violent rampages and chronic nausea.