Show someone you hate them by buying them an Edible Arrangement.
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Kids: Always remember to brush your drugs and don’t do teeth.
If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.
*Tinkerbell sprinkling pixie dust*
Remember Peter, give me a call if it last longer than 4 hours.
I made some fish tacos today…
But they just ignored them and swam away…
2025: The piñatas have become sentient. Children beaten mercilessly w/ sticks. Mariachi music everywhere.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need a nap,
and a cheeseburger too.
ME: [gets into a car accident]
EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives
My dad is a legend at hide and seek. One time I needed mom’s help to find him. He was hiding at a motel with a strange lady.
Someone asked me if a co-worker was going to quit without notice. I correctly said notice isn’t required, employment in our state is ‘at-will.’ I was written up for “spreading rumors.” I worked 1 day into the next month to ensure 30 days more benefits and quit without notice.
Necrophiliacs love going out on expiration dates.
This is me
The average Apple employee works 6 hours longer a day than an Apple battery.
me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that
waiter: uhhh you want fries with that
Yo wtf…just saw a stat that said only 30-50% of people have an internal dialogue. There’s really 50%+ of the population out here walking around with NOTHING going on in their head?? Everything is starting to make much more sense
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
boss: i’m always so impressed by you.
me: awww, wow thanks. why?
boss: bc you show up & do your work.
me: well, that’s a low bar.. but thank you.
twitter: you don’t owe ANYONE an explanation. ghost him. it’s called SELF CARE
twitter the next day: ghosting is literally physical abuse. DO NOT under any circumstances ghost ANYONE because they will likely decide to take their own life and you will be held solely responsible.
what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself
It was the best of times, it was the trying to get to the recipe at the bottom of a food blog of times
Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates.
The good ones are already taken.
Dec 24: Christmas Eve
Dec 25: Christmas Day
Dec 26: Boxing Day
Dec 27-30: Every day feels like a Sunday, proof that time is a social construct
Dec 31: New Year’s Eve
Jan 1: New Year’s Day
Jan 2: Reality hits
My wife inexplicably waited to the last minute to tell me that my kids have dance class today.
So annoying when she does this every week.
when super mario bros. was released in russia it was much less popular under the title “you are toilet man fight turtle monster”
20s: lol
30s: omg
40s: wtf
😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.
The soul weighs 21 grams. We know this because the Jurassic World film reels are 21 grams lighter than Jurassic Park
according to my research, maximum work from home productivity can be reached when you wear a towel all day and lie about your camera not working
Sorry I didn’t reply to your text, I just couldn’t find a response that would keep you from sending another
me (tenting fingers): how can we make this deal work
cashier: you give me $7.48
me (sliding him a $20 bill): how about now?
cashier: $7.48 out of $20, $12.52 is your change. have a nice day
me (smirking): everybody wins