me (tenting fingers): how can we make this deal work
cashier: you give me $7.48
me (sliding him a $20 bill): how about now?
cashier: $7.48 out of $20, $12.52 is your change. have a nice day
me (smirking): everybody wins
You Might Also Like
Neighbor kid brought other kids to visit today and I’m thinking about sending them all home with cats. That’s the risk you take when you let your children wander into my yard.
If they ever find my body next to a treadmill, just know that I was murdered somewhere else and my body was dumped there.
Just called the number of a guy I met last night and a pizza place answered. I didn’t even know you could live in pizza places. I’m in love!
Discourage visitors by placing a “use other door” sign on your only door
“Annie are you ok?”
-yep
“Are you ok?”
-dude, I just said yes
“Are you ok Annie?”
-THIS IS WHY YOU DON’T HAVE ANY FRIENDS MICHAEL
don’t let your artist friends wander off by themselves. you never know what they’ll agree to
Sorry Siri, talking to machines is not for me. I still get tongue-tied at the drive-through.
“As the crow flies” means something entirely different when it’s “in your living room” and you are “hiding in the closet with your cat.”
Didn’t think my children listened at all but my 3yo shouted from the back seat, “these people don’t know how to drive!” so now I know he listens to his Dad.
Hotel room bathrooms really overestimate how much I want to see my own naked body.
“I bought a new car!”
Whoa that’s a lemon, how much did you pay?
“Only $3,200”
Dude it’s literally a piece of fruit
“Damn….not again”
[at my funeral]
pastor: hey this casket is empty
me [whispering from the bushes]: get to the part where everyone cries
Bill Withers: Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone.
Twitter: *There is no
Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!
i don’t understand the desire to rock climb. we have stairs for that now. solved problem
[on a date]
me: what’s your favorite book series about a big red dog?
her: uhh Clifford, i guess
me: wow we have a lot in common
My password is “weak?” Well your password recovery security question is soft as shit. The city I was born in? Ask me why my mom left my dad.
Sorry I mostly speculated about my missing stapler in your leaving card.
Playdates were invented to force parents to clean their home
What if I don’t take meds?
Dr: Depression
What are the side effects of meds?
Dr: Depression
What if I stop taking the meds?
Dr: Depression
Me: I wonder why my stomach hurts
Taco Bell: that’s weird, I dunno what it could be
i bet when fish see it’s raining they’re like “oh cool a refill”
Hope you enjoy my new song, “Part of This Song’s Title Is in Parentheses (For No Reason).”
4: I’m gonna hide this in a secret spot!!
*2 min later*: MOM! COME SEE MY SECRET SPOT!
Divorce update: my ex is accusing me of stealing canned soup from our former home
’50 shades of gray’ -worst set of crayola colored pencils.
“Children can be very cruel,” I reassure my 6 year-old. “But sometimes it seems like you aren’t even trying.”
My ex once told me that she still had feelings for me but then clarified that they were all negative ones
I think I will start calling my wife “My Customer” since she is always right…
Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”