I was an English major, which means I may or may not be able to get you out of a dangerous situation, but *patting your arm* at least I can write a 5-paragraph essay on the fatal flaw that led you to it.
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Cleaned bathroom sink half hour ago. Then trimmed mustache over sink. Oh … That’s what all those women I lived with were complaining about.
Sex so good the peeping Tom made sandwiches.
[Court]
Me: My tweets go through a rigorous review process
Judge: Are they reviewed by other idiots?
M: *lips on mic* irrelevant, your honor
Benoit Blanc: So this baloney of yours, does it have a first name? Could you be so kind as to spell it?
there are some wounds only potatoes can heal
[before sex]
ME: Did you notice I waxed?
WIFE: I wondered what happened to your eyebrows
Messaging my hair person to make an appointment for sometime in the week and finding out they are now based in the UK….
A girl with kaleidoscope eyes sounds horrifying.
“IS THERE A DOCTOR ON THE PLANE???”
[i stand up super fast & knock myself out on the luggage compartment, requiring another doctor]
“If Bernie doesn’t get the nom, I’m voting Trump.”
“Also, if McDonald’s is out of chicken nuggets, I’m going to eat 20 scorpions.”
sex is great & all.. but have you ever successfully poured liquid from one cup into another WITHOUT spilling it?
The tooth fairy forgot to come last night. Luckily she woke in a panic at 5 am and visited in the nick of time.
The crows I feed every day attacked a UPS delivery guy that startled me so I guess I now have my own little squad of personal assassins.
The “free milkshakes for a month” contest I just won is telling me my month’s supply of shakes is 5 shakes. Yeah 5 should last me a month…
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
Two sales people approached me at the furniture store. I’m following the one who called me Miss. The Hello Ma’am one should take note.
My parents are replacing their coffee machine, which is 7 years old.
Me: that’s not that old, I have sheets older than that.
Mother: well perhaps your sheets aren’t getting as much action as our coffee machine.
I’m going to need an ambulance.
[Arrives at work dressed as a sexy kitty]
Boss: *points to memo on desk* “It says no Halloween costumes”
Me: *slowly pushes memo off desk*
Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.
airport customs officer: *slowly unzipping my bag* anything to declare?
me: how many spiders am I allowed?
airport customs officer: *slowly doing my bag up again*
Me *naked, singing into a shower head*
Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic
Going out with a girl who works in cyber security next week so I’m gonna print out all my passwords and ask what she thinks
This is one of the best videos to ever exist.
The rule should be if you can smell the cookout you’re invited to the cookout.
When a waiter sees my disability and asks the person I’m with what I want to eat, I respond “Our telepathy is a bit off. You should ask me.”
Being a billionaire should be illegal unless you’re a talking duck with no pants.
At drop off, 5’s teacher said “good morning sweetheart” and 5 replied “mummy made fish for dinner last night and it was disgusting” then she skipped inside to tell Freya all about it
I caught myself whistling the Unsolved Mysteries theme while hiding a body.
How to numbers:
1: good job!
2: you’re doing it!
7: uhoh
#: that’s not even a number
🐴: wtf?
B: what are you doing?
You have a better chance of being struck by lightning than going to McDonald’s when the ice cream or shake machine is working