I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…
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me: ever heard of quasimodo
him: doesn’t ring a bell
me: i assure you he does
I have neither the patience nor the crayons to show you why this is a bad idea.
the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT
Nobody ever told me that this was an option.
How to test a responsive website for various screen sizes via @aghoshb
It’s great that interstates have rest areas. But things like Wednesdays really need rest areas too.
neighbor: did you steal my trampoline
are robert
me:
accusations harmful
[Shopping with $100]
As a child: Look at how much stuff I can buy!
As an adult: Why is this bath towel $15?
There are two wolves inside me, one just took a brisk 1 hr walk while a drinking a gallon of water and the other binged an entire show and downed a pint of ice cream.
Drug Dealer: are you wearing a wire?
Me: the only wire I’m wearing is why’re you still single?
Cops Outside In Van: *collective groan*
Best way to get a girl to come home with you is to tell her you own 3 lava lamps seriously what girl wouldn’t want to see 3 lava lamps
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
Still laughing at this stupid meme
Mother Using Facebook Night Mode Afraid She’s Stumbled Onto Dark Web
Shy girl has a crush on shy boy.Shy boy has a crush on shy girl.Neither of them say anything.They both do a lot of homework.#VeryRealisticYA
Sean Swordd: mighty
Sean Penn: mightier
My neighbor is having a party for his daughter. I have been listening to Justin Bieber for 3 hours. Do not interact with me.
welcome mats are just gateway rugs
Dental hygienist: Whew! You’re all done with your cleaning. That took a bit longer than I expected.
Me: *maintains eye contact while biting into Oreo* Thanks.
When you give them a gift card to a restaurant because you don’t like them enough to take to dinner.
[raises hand in English class]
Why do we need to be learned English?
“Hmm.. Couldn’t have worded that better myself, Luke”
12: Can you help with my math homework?
Me (*looks at the problem*): I don’t remember how to do that
12: If you don’t remember how to do it, and you turned out well, why do I need to do it?
Me:
[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?
Patient: What is this?! Are you playing stupid with me girly?!
Me: I don’t play stupid
*slams fist on table* I EXCEL AT IT
Patient, now panicking: Wait what?
May someone of my non-German mutuals explain German Burger King to me:
I’ve been called a “female comic” so many times, I’ll probably only be able to answer to “girl daddy” when I have children.
Netflix to unveil new ad sponsored content in a move that industry executives call “Television.”
Me at 20: I better stretch before I do a work out so I don’t strain my hammys!
Me at 40: I better stretch before I go to sleep so I don’t strain my neck.
I dreamt there was a program called “tigers in tiaras” and you know what?
I’d watch that
Slept on the floor last night for fun with the kids and now I’m paralyzed