I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…
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At the age where a big break could mean either my career or a hip
If my wife calls me passive-aggressive one more time I swear to God I’m going to run the dishwasher half-empty again
In an incredible turn of events we’ve been informed that the zodiac killer has killed himself after being mistaken for Ted Cruz
The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued.
Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.
me: I’m in a terrible mood
friend: try drinking some water
me: how dare you my emotions are real and can’t be placated
[immediately after drinking water]
me: okay obviously the water didn’t do anything but I think while drinking I took time to reflect and feel better
My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.
“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff
Call me a hoarder if you want but don’t come crying to me when you need a 3 foot tall stack of mayonnaise jar labels.
Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.
When I was a kid I never understood why my aunt had a cartoon sunflower on her sliding glass door until the day she took it off and I broke my nose
Any leggings can be fur lined leggings if you don’t shave your legs.
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
God: this pie is outstanding. where’d you get the apples?
Eve: ok promise you won’t get mad
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.
“I have toddler-like reflexes.”
“Don’t you mean cat-like–?”
*laughs, cries, falls on face, eats Cheerio off the floor*
“No.”
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
Doctor: Any cancer in the family?
Me: My mom is a Sagittarius, but I’ll have to check on everyone else.
Doc: …
Me: “Hey kids, I’m gonna go downstairs and watch the #football game anyone want to come watch with me?”
5-year-old: “You gonna have chips?”
Me: “Does that affect your decision on if you’ll spend time with me?”
5-year-old: “……yeah!”
Me: “Then yes I’ll have chips.”
😒🤦♂️😒🤦♂️
Me: I can’t even tell you how much I hate people.
Twitter: Yes you can.
My kids forgot the name of the game Marco Polo so they are currently playing Mario Luigi at the pool.
“Happy Anniversary to you both, may you have a long marriage with many more years ahead” she hexed.
Is this a threat?
Just heard a little boy call his mom “mother,” as if both had already accepted the fact that he’d become a serial killer some day.
“I love potatoes in my mouth!!”
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it
Back in my day when we found a Pokémon we had to beat it to death with a rotary phone
My wife thought it would be cute to take a shower with our toddler and now there’s poop in the tub and everyone is screaming.
As I waved my gun in their faces, I thought to myself “What kinda weird bank has children, clowns, presents, & balloons all over the place?”
Always a massive red flag than when a guy lists “The Art of War” as one of his favorite books. It’s like, you’re an accountant, Brent, you’re not Tyrion Lannister