Just what the hell are you juicing with this?馃馃ぃ
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Donald Trump has all the resources to be Batman. Instead, he chooses to be Donald Trump.
cashier: how鈥檇 you like to pay for this
me: not at all
store clerk: can I help you find anything
me: yes *hands over where’s waldo book*
Understand men, or die trying.
Or try dying.
Or quit trying.
Or lie crying.
Or cry tweeting.Or tweet trying, to understand men.
[McDonald’s]
CUSTOMER: small coke please
WORKER: for the same price you can get every single thing in the world
CUSTOMER: oh
WORKER: so do you want that
CUSTOMER: yes
WORKER: what else
Sometimes I’m playing a dangerous game like Halo & people ask if I get scared but honestly no, your training just takes over
Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–
Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.
“IT WAS NEVER SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS!!!” I yell at the guy next to me at the red light while tweezing stray hairs from my chin.
Marriage Tip: If your husband is watching golf, show him you’re interested by repeatedly asking “why doesn’t our lawn ever look that nice?”
My very religious-minded FB friend posted that she and her daughter were going to Netflix and chill today. I don’t have the heart to tell her.
So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.
I adopted a rock.
He just sits there and does nothing all day.
It still beats raising Kylo.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i’m so optimistic
HER: yes
ME: cool see u tonight
Wife: Want to have morning sex?
Me: For real?
Wife: Yes.
Me: Is this a trick?
Wife: No it’s not a trick.
Me: It feels like a trick.
Wife: IT’S NOT A TRICK.
Me: Did you do something you need to apologize for?
Wife: What?! No.
Me: Okay, then!
Wife: Now I’m not in the mood.
I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don鈥檛 really think that鈥檚 what Jesus would have wanted
[Murder mystery dinner]
ACTOR: The inn keeper was found mutilated in a broom closet.
ME: (from the back of the room) When鈥檚 dinner?
[picking her up for a date]
ME: you should know that i have a baby from another marriage
HER: really?
ME: yes, but the parents haven’t realized it yet so we gotta hurry, get in
My cat just winked at me and now it’s awkward because I only see her as a friend.
KING1: I bring you gold.
K2: I bring you frankincense.
K3: *drops pot of myrrh* *pot shatters* Oh. I bring you…erm…interpretive dance!
This recipe calls for 4 cups of cheese. That seems like an awful lot. I鈥檒l add 6 just in case.
since you’re having surgery tomorrow, get here early and remember no eating after midnight
“because of nausea?”
no, because you’re a gremlin
That sinking feeling when you realize you forgot to lock your clubhouse when you were 8, and it’s probably all infested now with girls
Her: Wanna “lex” tonight?
Him: What’s that?
Her: Lazy sex.
Him: What do we do?
Her: Lay in bed and send each other Huffington Post articles.
If I worked at a wax museum, I think a good joke would be to put a wick coming out of all of their heads.
once i’ve learned to lay gigantic eggs and run 50 mph, it’s over for you ostriches.
Queen: Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: Not exactly ON the wall
King: I said I’d do it at the weekend. Get off my back, Sandra
Wife: you’ve been a naughty boy *peels off clothes* You need to be punished
Me: yes, I do!
Wife: do the laundry
When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.
[Eulogy]
Bicyclist’s Widow: He died doing what he loved; Shouting that he had the right of way.
When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that I鈥檓 older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.