[Eulogy]
Bicyclist’s Widow: He died doing what he loved; Shouting that he had the right of way.
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As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.
Don’t cry because it’s over, scowl because you had to participate.
[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”
We’re in the exact point of climate change as when wile e. coyote runs off the cliff but hasn’t looked down yet
[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?
GUY: hey pal, if you have a problem, say it to my face
ME: *gets really close* i’m two months behind on my rent
i like to flex on them by shrugging
1% milk was invented when someone poured regular milk into a glass that still had water in it and they were too ashamed to admit their mistake.
My doctor said avocados help with depression but so far it’s just sitting there on my counter doing nothing.
If dogs named famous people, we would have:
-Bark Wahlberg
-Bark Zuckerberg
-Bark Hammill
-Bark Obama
-Charles Barkley would still be Charles Barkley
[ordering pizza alone]
Yeah I’d like a large pepperoni and
*changes voice*
A medium sausage
*changes voice again*
Another large pepperoni
Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.
*eats 3 edibles*
…am….am I my dogs sugar daddy
My new monthly budget
Gas $0
Clothes $0
Entertainment $0
Food $1500
Alcohol $1000
Por…. uhhh entertainment $500
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is basically Saw, but with desserts.
I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.
*breathing becomes rapid and pulse starts racing*
I…I’ve never felt…SO ALIVE!
*holds up 11th nugget from 10 piece box, for all to see*
I don’t know how he put it in from that angle, but I liked it.
-me watching hockey
Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?
I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future
I’m swilling port like a British butler who had a rough afternoon at the races.
Women and electronics aren’t very similar until they both freak out on you for throwing water on them while they’re in “sleep mode”.
The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.
Beyoncé: I cannot wait to slum it with some earth mortals at – wait what is it called again?
Jay-Z: Coachella.
Beyoncé: Coachella.
I love ordering from Panera because it’s always a surprise. Am I going to get the spinach-egg white-avocado sandwich I ordered, or perhaps a steak and egg bagel? Maybe a lovely tomato soup for breakfast? It’s like a don’t-pick-your-own adventure!
Interviewer: Can we call your former employer for a reference?
Me: Not if you’re considering me for the job.
There’s no candy called Smithereens, and I’m terribly disappointed with everything.
That f****** terrifying moment when you open your phone with a wet thumb and it starts automatically calling everyone on your contact list.
When my dog poops in the yard, no one cares. When I do it, I’m “drunk” and “bringing down property values” and my neighbor is “calling the cops”