“Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend–STOP SCREAMING, I’M ASKING THEM”
We’re in the exact point of climate change as when wile e. coyote runs off the cliff but hasn’t looked down yet
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[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises*
*spoon just disappears*
If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.
“i’ll be back”
–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume
I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.
*adds salt to resume*
I’m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.
passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?
jackfruit: oh nothing
my sister: why do you delete so many tweets?
me: sometimes you don’t know something’s really stupid until you send it out into the world
my mother: *staring at me just a second too long*
It makes me feel sick that i come from such a long line of hypochondriacs.
Q-tips have a wide variety of household uses