We’re in the exact point of climate change as when wile e. coyote runs off the cliff but hasn’t looked down yet

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“Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend–STOP SCREAMING, I’M ASKING THEM”


[feeding baby Malaysian food]

“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises*

*spoon just disappears*


If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.


“i’ll be back”

–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume


I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.

*adds salt to resume*


I’m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.


passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?

jackfruit: oh nothing


my sister: why do you delete so many tweets?

me: sometimes you don’t know something’s really stupid until you send it out into the world

my mother: *staring at me just a second too long*


It makes me feel sick that i come from such a long line of hypochondriacs.