We’re in the exact point of climate change as when wile e. coyote runs off the cliff but hasn’t looked down yet
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Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.
mail is cool because 99% of the time it’s like a J.c. penney catalogue for a previous tenant and 1% of the time it’s something you’ll go to jail for if you don’t look at
I’ve cut my fingernails too short and now I can’t open my shower gel. What’s the point of being well-groomed if I can’t smell like mangos?
Him: What do you think this big nasty thing on my neck is?
Me: Your head.
Little Mermaid remake: Ariel falls in love after seeing the tender way Prince Eric holds a fish in his Tinder profile.
Ok. Seriously, stop feeding the gulls.
Me: I DON’T HAVE TO TAKE THIS FROM YOU!
Nurse: It’s customary to hold your newborn, sir
I’m glad they call themselves attorneys-at-law. I wouldn’t want to accidently hire an attorney-at-baking or an attorney-at-pottery.
Don’t go chasing rainbows. Set up a rainbow trap, sit back, wait
People act all namby-pamby while dating, then wonder why divorce rates are so high. Stop chatting about the weather and start asking the real questions, people. How do you feel about lace curtains? Will you cheat on me if I let myself go? Do you check your brake lines regularly?
“What do we want?”
“Hearing aids.”
“When do we want them?”
“Hearing aids.”
too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk
Crush calls.
Me: *Googles: how to lose 50lbs overnight*
[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*
Halloween is without question the easiest time of year to kill somebody and just leave their body decomposing on your porch for a month
“Oh, I do like Chinese food!”
-My 6yo, eating chicken fingers & fries from The Imperial Bamboo kid’s menu
ME: Hi. I’m in the gym parking lot.
HUSBAND: That’s great! Are you finally working out?
ME: No. My car broke down. Can you come pick me up? This place is really scary.
Joel Osteen wouldn’t open his megachurch to flood victims. Let’s not jump to conclusions. Maybe he has two of every kind of animal in there.
I have to stop watching TV with my kids. I keep comparing my dates to Bluey’s dad and nobody measures up.
I’m supposed to be afraid of you because you are a twitter badass? What are you going to do, caps lock me?
Money was so tight last Xmas I had to sell a kidney for gifts. And this year it’s getting so bad, I may even have to sell one of my own.
(dumping an old couch in the ocean) i am creating an artificial reef, to act as a fish habitat
3rd eye: youre on drugs
4th eye: youre a nerd
5th-7th eyes: ???
8th eye: you are now a spider
9th eye: spider on drugs
16th eye: nerd spider
The most valuable thing I have taught my kid is to answer the door for me and immediately tell the person that mommy is busy while I’m hiding around the corner.
And this song would come on and all the white people would start having a group seizure.
Me explaining the Harlem shake to my grand kids.
when people say they’re into genealogy I pretend to be interested, but deep down I know magic lamps aren’t real
I’m getting mixed signals from this girl first she is like “sorry I’m married” then it’s “leave me alone I’m married” I mean which is it
millipede mobster [raising guns]: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND
Me: Ugh HBO is so annoying only releasing one episode at a time so I have to wait a whole week for the next one.
Also me: Ugh Netflix is so annoying releasing the entire series at once so I finish it in 2 days and have nothing to look forward to.
Enhanced interrogation idea:
If waterboarding isn’t working, try having my mother brush their hair.